Trial by Lingerie

She needed some new underwear
We went to the Trafford Centre
And after the cinema
Found ourselves in
Marks and Spencer
These will do the trick she said…nice

I say the thong seems to have given way to something altogether more rounded?
The Brazilian she said
That’s what the new shape is called

Oh …

I thought that was something to do with shaving I say, a little too smugly – no reaction

Some ten minutes later she’s paying at the counter at the front of the queue when she shouts across the shop floor
Can you just bring me another size 12 in the black?’
They’re on offer, thanks’…

I return to the briefs and bras section but in haste get all confused and start to panic, I can’t find them, I’m going round in circles, bras and knickers, briefs and stockings I am overwhelmed, overcome…

At this point the women in the queue all turn around, they too are looking at me
I feel like I’m on trial, on trial by lingerie

Oh dear…

We have further words and this time she’s raised her voice, ‘I can see them from here’ she rolls her eyes and leaves the queue, marches towards me and duly identifies the required knickers giving them a little wave in the air signalling success, result!

Out of the corner of my eye I can see other women in the queue smiling, nudge nudging, wink winking, and collectively groaning ‘men egh

I have behaved to type, and they know it, and I know it…

I apologize

The girl at the till is patient and polite
It’s easy to get confused she says a little too sweetly
It happens all the time

The store is closing
We say goodbye

Do you mind if I go to HMV I say?
Only if you promise to be quick is the reply…

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VINNY PECULIAR