We didn’t paint our nails when we fought the Germans

It was match day
Our school versus the public school
And I was captain of the cricket team

The night before the game
My parents were on holiday
I had a few friends to stay

And for some reason best left unsaid
I had painted my nails with my mother’s nail polish
A deep claret red
And put on lipstick
Like David Bowie said
In the song my cousin’s used to tease me about

And I was wearing Clearasil Skin Tone face cream
Which was my
Make up for spots

When I turned up for the cricket match
I was told I had to present the headmasters wife with a bouquet of flowers
The photographer from the Bromsgrove Messenger was there

That’s when George Mills uttered his immortal lines
And sacked me on the spot

We didn’t paint our nails when we fought the Germans’.

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VINNY PECULIAR