Music

Death of the Counterculture

Say goodbye to the summer of love
Its goodbye Paris, San Francisco & goodbye London
Goodbye kool-aid Acid Test
Goodbye Ken, goodbye Allen and goodbye to all the rest

Goodbye Bob and Richard too
Goodbye Jack, goodbye Joni we’re all gonna miss you
At the death of the counter culture

Beautiful people holding hands peace n love n rock n roll bands
Ban the bomb stop the war it’s what we’re all fighting for

Not the death of the counterculture

In unison we sang such a sweet refrain
Of stick it to man in the hard rain
But the establishment plays a long game…
Tomorrow never knows it can never be the same

It’s the death of the counter culture

There’s a revolution in the head
She said she said she said she said
Kick out the jams break down the door
The death of the counterculture

And it’s a goodbye David
Goodbye Jimi
Goodbye Helen
Goodbye Jenny
Goodbye Chrissy
Goodbye anarchy
Goodbye honey, honey goodbye..

Bobby was a Ted
Tammy was a rocker
Judy was playgirl a real show stopper
Peter was hippie a protest singer
Jordan was a punk…and a visionary

It’s the death of the counterculture
It’s the death of the counterculture…

Going to San Francisco

There were voices calling inside everybody’s head
I bought a velvet loon-pants and book about Tibet
Hitch hiked out of Texas due north
I heard a song on the radio and for what it’s worth
And my father he disowned me, and my mother made a fuss
Later that night I caught a greyhound bus

Met my girlfriend at the station there were other pilgrims there
Smoked a refer on the sidewalk met a kid with purple hair
Someone gave me a poncho David Crosby style
But I left it on the bus, and it made my girlfriend smile
And then came the acid and it took me by surprise
My watch started melting there we rainbow’s in my eyes

The closer we got the more the numbers grew
We spent the night in a gallerylistening to
A sombre protest singer out to make to make a million bucks
From writing pop music, we all thought he was nuts
As the bus rolled into town and we headed for the Haight
The people they waved us on, and we saw the Golden Gate

There was a stall on the entry said FREE FOOD
And a man in Jesus sandals serving lentils in the nude…
I finally called home a week after we arrived
From a call box on the Haight it felt good to be alive
My father wouldn’t speak to me he handed Mom the phone
She said now just be careful this will always be your home…

There were trams and bums and dive bars hippies everywhere
We slept out in the park with revolution in the air
We had to travel out of town to find a place to crash
In a commune up country in the woods outside of Fairfax
When the war came to an end, we were working on the land
And we made love to strangers then it all got out of hand…

Peace and Love

Peace and Love
She said we have the power to overcome
A love of power then then we’ll be done
As children dance in the sun
Smiling and laughing…

5 Peace and Love

She said this is your chance you need to make a move
Before the its all too late cause there’s lots to do
And we can change the world…

I met her at the rally they were tearing down a statue
She said you’re either for me or I’m against you
And we talked about injustice and the future of the planet
Then she sat outside Pete’s Café wrote a poem all about it…

Peace and Love

Peace and love
She said let’s go off travelling let’s get away
And we can see the world together
Now what do you say and I said well….I’ll think about it

She left me the rally and took herself back home
Then she said she still felt angry and she needed to be alone
And I never saw her again that’s the way it goes sometimes
Right out the blue nothing between the lines

Peace and Love
Awake to dream when dreams are never big enough
To change the way you feel best turn the music up

Peace and love

The hippies left the party the punks were way to angry…
Cause there’s lots to do and we can change the world…

Head Shop

We hang out at the head shop
Just opposite the bus stop
Its psychedelic lift off
And its gonna blow your mind

Tarot cards and a hooker pipes
Dream catchers wind chimes
Herbal tea scented candles
And multi coloured plastic sandals

Glow sticks and lava lamps
Peace patches and tie dye pants
Man pouch in soft leather
Vaping sticks pick any flavour

I knew the owner Geraldine
We had a thing when we were 17
Sometimes I wonder what might have been
If you know what I mean
It was a really cool scene man…

A Game of thrones jig saw
Joss sticks all the way from Jaipur
Natty threads and rag rugs
Naturally high say no to drugs…

Essential aroma therapy
And books about Magikal energy
Victorian bottles African carvings
Lord of the Rings the trilogy’s meanings…

I used to come here after school
And they let you hang out it was very cool
Once the girl who worked there made me coffee
And we talked about music she said her brother was a hippy …and she was very pretty

Meet me at the Head Shop
Just opposite the bus stop
For a psychedelic lift off
That’s gonna blow your mind

Meet me at the head shop
Opposite the bus stop
We don’t need to go to Woodstock
This one’s gonna to blow your mind…

Ashram Curtains

Behind eastern drapes a silent yogi meditates
And women listen to their breathing
Reflect on this experience a book of calm omnipotence
Classes end and students leaving
The body temple the perfect health
Get in touch with your inner self well-being is believing

Is it you behind the ashram
You, behind the Ashram
You, behind the Ashram

She booked the flights to India on a tour bus out of Deli
Checked the time at home and what was on the telly
Next morning bright n breezy on the patio stretching for the sky
That’s when she first caught his eye
Then came the late-night invitations she left the door ajar
He bought the nuts and the caviar

Is it you behind the ashram?
You behind the ashram
You behind the ashram curtains

You can tell me what happened, and I promise not to judge
I know you’ve been unhappy I know because because

I can feel it in the distance I think I know what put you there
But I forgive you everything whatever’s broken we can repair…yeah

She came home later in the year at first I didn’t recognise her
And she told me all her plans
She gathered up a few things photos of the kids her favourite earrings…
Said she no longer had any feelings…

Is it you behind the ashram
You, behind the ashram
You, behind the ashram curtains

And should you change your mind
I’ll be waiting right here…

Hippie Kids

Hey

Hippie kids who are ya
Hippie Kids who loves ya
Hippie kids who needs ya now…

Freedom is a fickle friend she only went and let you down again
Sold you on to the corporation stole your ideas and your imagination

No boundaries and no school no discipline and no rules
Hey Hey
Drop out n disappear like you were never really here…were you?

Hippie kids who are ya
Hippie Kids who loves ya
Hippie kids where are ya now…

On a spaceship to the moon good trip bad trip any trip will do
Waiting for the show to go on you put a sun flower in the barrel of a gun

Vida dreams of revolution Bobby’s on the road again
Hey Hey
Andy says he loves confusion wants to start all over again and again and again and again

Hippie Kids who are ya
Hippie Kids who loves ya
Hippie kids where are you now

Hippie kids we want ya
Hippie Kids we need ya
Hippie kids where are you now?

How I Learned to Love the Freaks

There were a couple freaks in the village
When I was growing up
They used to walk past our house
Long hair bangles and cheese cloth shirts
They were older than us…but not by much

They carried record bags
And they were mysterious
My dad was not impressed
But my Mum said she knew them from the college
Where she worked…said they were nice lads…we said yeah [whatever]

To me they seemed strange aloof remote indifferent
They didn’t play football
They rarely spoke to anyone
We didn’t know their names nor where they were from…

One day we were messing around outside the paper shop
With some of the hard lads from Cobnall Road
And the freaks walked past minding their own business
And then out of the blue someone shouted ‘what are you looking at’

And before we knew it we were chasing them across the fields to the waste ground behind the new estate
We caught up with the freaks of course we did and they were sadly resigned to their fate

There’s an ugly feeling when you join the mob
And it’s brutal cruel and infectious
We all piled in …. there was kicking and screaming
We set about the freaks and then we set about leaving

When the ambulance arrived, we were already gone
Hiding in Ronnie Spuds caravan
It was covered in page three pictures from the sun
With a girl for every occasion…

Thank god the Freaks were ok
Bruises and cuts …shaken up
My mother asked me was involved at all
I lied and said no what would I do something like that for… ?

And we never saw the Freaks again
They never pressed charges I was grateful to them

They were off to college end of the year
To study for something no one had heard of before…

Freaks
This one’s for the Freaks
And how I learned to love them
Freaks…

All Property is Theft

He grew his hair bought a chillum pipe
Found himself another life
In a peace camp outside of Monmouth
A Welsh connection sign on for the dole check

Self-sufficient love of the land
Playing the guitar in a local band
Fell in love with a yoga teacher.
He would do anything to please her

Anything

Went to London on a Demo
Lit a six-foot papier Mache joint in Soho
Got arrested by the fuzz
Old Bailey trial and three months in the scrubs

Went to war against the state read
Albert Camus and William Blake
Started teaching at the college
Radical visions alternative knowledge

We are all prostitutes
All property is theft

Moved up north into the lazy city
Showpiece of the nitty gritty
Where he failed to impress
Took it all to heart left him in a mess

When the carnival was over
He returned to Worcestershire
And when I asked him why he said well
There’s nothing going on down there
And he was right about that…
All property is theft
We are all prostitutes

Peter and the Rainbow

We came in peace we should have known
We came together we came alone
We came to know a better way
We came to explore we came to stay

We came so near we came so far
A sleeping bag and an acoustic guitar
We hitch hiked across the USA
No one could stop us or get in our way

Peter and the rainbow
Peter and the rain
Peter and the rainbow…
Peter and the rain

Out of the darkness and into the light
We taught our children we taught them right
We came of age aqueously
We came in peace we came in harmony…and to be freeeee
Peter and the rainbow…

And we closed in on mother earth
And we gave thanks for all we were worth
But the very best of our intentions
Never suited those high fuluting conventions

The poets spoke in tongues of fire
We were the new age guns for hire
So many people gathered around
Cause you have to get lost before you get found……
You have to get lost…
Peter and the rainbow…
Peter and the rain

And when things were good they were very very good…
But when we looked away it was over
And when we were good, we were very very good
But when we messed up they said told ya ….so
Told ya…so
I told ya…so
Peter and the rainbow…
Peter and the rainbow…
Peter and the rainbow…
Peter and the rain

It’s not the ending you might have expected
Peter left the camp he defected
Wrote show made a lot of money
Now he’s living in LA with playboy bunny
View of the hills the canyon and the ocean
It’s a very cold place devoid of all emotion…

Peter and the Rainbow
Peter and the rain
Peter and the rainbow…
Peter and the rainbow…
Peter and the rain
Peter and the rainbow…oh oh oh…etc

Flower Power

Once upon a time a long time ago
All the kids took off for San Francisco
To a multi coloured happening of peace and love
And they frightened the establishment with their mind-expanding drugs and their

Flower Power take off your clothes and dance
Flower Power consciousness enlightenment experience

Happenings at Golden Gate Park
Gigs with the Dead at the Forum after dark
Allen Ginsberg he’s a poet and you can be one too if you did but know it….

Flower Power without a shadow of doubt
Flower Power tune in turn on drop out

Looking back at those incredible times
Power to the people in ever changing times
And what comes around comes around my friend,
And right now looks like it’s happening again

Flower Power are you till learning to fly
Flower Power we never said goodbye

A swimming pool in California so blue
There’s Neil and Joni too
We framed the poster put it on the wall
Back from San Francisco in the fall

The Grateful Dead are tripping in heaven
They turn their amps way up to eleven
Come on over if you want to take a swim
You know I like to watch you glide
Gracefully in the water and make a bigger splash

A bigger splash

Years roll by the edges frayed
Sunlight discolours the frame
So, we took it down to get it all cleaned up
Not sure what happened to it after that

Mines a different kind of heaven
Football in the park walking by the Severn
Come on over if you want to
Hang out with the kids do what it is you need to
There’s a lovely park here too

I’d like to think you put the poster back, after I left
On the wall in its rightful place
And every once in a while, when you walk past
It puts a smile upon your face

David Hockney in 67 says he died, he died and went heaven
All those paintings live on forever, but this was the one keeping us together
Golden Gate fold sacred hill side Amoeba Records before the greats died
Come on over if you want to take a swim you know you know I like to watch you dive gracefully into the water

And make a bigger splash

A bigger splash

A deep space shade of maroon
And a darker night sky blue
Here’s a big bright yellow one
Tall as a house big as the sun
The colour and the camouflage
In the early morning gallery glare
Hurts my eyes tourists arrive
I need to be somewhere

Rothko Rothko Rothko Rothko

Tour parties checking their headsets
Security guard falls asleep
If you stare at these things for long enough
You can expect to weep
The guide is working overtime
A tour party shuffles by
A young girl takes a photograph
And her boyfriend starts to cry

Rothko Rothko Rothko Rothko

And the walls of the art gallery sing
What have you done to me?
What is this thing?
Give me a clue should I be sad
Should I be scared, should I be glad

Every canvass has a number but not a name
You have to let the colour permeate
The inner workings of the brain
I’ve got a headache coming on
Yeah that’s the idea son
No matter how you shuffle the song
Everything you assumed to be right is wrong

Rothko Rothko Rothko Rothko

And the walls of the gallery sing
What have you done to me?
What is this thing?
Give me clue should I be sad
Should I be scared, should I be glad oh

Should I, I don’t know…

Security guard comes back from his break
Been taking to a colleague about a fake
He’ll be glad when the show comes to an end
Says there’s only so much you take in my friend
There’s only so much you can take in
There’s only so much you can take

Rothko Rothko Rothko Rothko Rothko Rothko Rothko Rothko Rothko Rothko Rothko Rothko

Hear my pathetic lament
I do not care
And I won’t repent
Read my lips in your sleep
One precious secret
Bound over to keep

Our dreams will never come true
Whatever is said
Whatever we do
Love’s just a cold calling card
Guided by voices
And desolate hearts

You give me comfort and joy
I feel like a girl
In need of a boy
Light pours out of my head
But the shadows on you
Will leave me for dead

This is the end of the song
End of the dream in which
We don’t belong
So please take your beautiful soul
Back to your loved ones
Back to the fold

Heavy metal where’s it at
Sweltering in a drop forge cast
Do you know the way to Wolverhampton?
Bought the Diamond Head LP
From the legend Silver Terry

Handbags at the BYO
Local girls mess with your head
Listening to Judge Dread
Then you miss the last bus home
Better call your dad he’ll moan
You got him out of bed

It’s a pig’s ear growing up
In a market town of indeterminate status
But that was then but this is now
And nothing’s changed that time won’t allow
To change us, change us

Smokers coughing on the 144
British Leyland Red Robo’s war
And life shows you the door
Heavy metal that’s your tribe
It’s come to bury you alive for sure

And you can turn the volume up
And you can call your girlfriends bluff
But she prefers the Wonderstuff
She’s in the wrong era

You can put the speaker on the windowsill
Make a racket make the neighbours ill
I dare you; I dare you
So never the mind the albatross
Or the Saturday gigs at the Holy Cross
That put an end to

The festival that never was
On the village green and all because you bailed
Last minute curtailed
On the day the world turned blue
The only thing I ever to wanted to do

Was heavy metal…

All I ever wanted to do
All I ever wanted from you
Was heavy metal
All I ever wanted from you was heavy metal

That’s heavy

I’m Jack the dripper I am a painter
I work on canvass I work on paper

I died a driver I died a drinker
I died to save you
I died to change your mind
So be kind to me

You’ve seen me painting in documentary
You’ve seen me drinking in New York City

I died a hero I died a saviour
I died an artist
I died to change your mind
So be kind to me

Francis Bacon made a painting
Of the Nazi Pope in waiting
Existential agony
Hanging in The National Gallery

Soap and bandages from the master of Seville
Roast beef sandwiches from a pub in Notting Hill
You find a way there’s always been a will

Francis Bacon Irish pilgrim
Combs the streets of Soho London
Drinking at the Groucho Club with
Jeffrey Bernard and Damian Hurst

Police conviction it’s the duty of the state
To those who love to love and those we love to hate
The sitter takes his clothes off the artist starts to paint

Francis Bacon died in Madrid
In the raincoat he was wearing
Surrounded by people drawing
Inspiration from his calling

The crucifixion of a famous friend’s portrait
The Daily Mirror says people can’t relate
You cut your nose off to spite your face

To spite your face

A man and his shadow not hard to find
Step into the darkness with flashlight
Turn on the siren sit back and relax
Ignore the science ignore the facts

Interrogation is a simple affair
A cigarette machine an electric chair
Not sure who’s good cop not sure who’s bad
When they both have a look, have a look of your Dad

A man and his shadow not hard to find
At home on the front step clapping to be kind
In the new apocalypse the reaper runs riot
And the good ones go early, as we stare down the quiet

There’s nowhere to go and no one to see
As the shadows grow taller tall as the leaves on the tree
And the people cross over oh so politely
There’s a government update nightly

A man and his shadow have nowhere to hide
The bushes are burning the trees have all died
There’s a room in my house where nothing survives

Nothing
Nothing

A man and his shadow not hard to find…
A man and his shadow
Just a man and his shadow
Just a man and his shadow

Grayson let’s do this thing art is like a wheel spin
Time to change those dreary clothes dig out the strobes
And there’s Drella, the Pittsburgh Cinderella who made everyone slippers for the ball
And Damian that devil kid who sells you coloured pills from beneath a coffin lid
Oh Grayson alone upon a screen, swiping and skyping, suspended in a dream
As Mo Tucker beats the loving drum of human kindness Everybody freezes
We all need a little more art in our life
We all need a little more art
The potter’s wheel of fortune spins and you invite us in
To share in the delights of broken kilns and a teddy bear called Alan
Lets make art Grayson let’s make new stuff
We can paint is soy sauce and we can sculpt in mud Recycle remodel re make reconfigure
We can turn back time we can cry a river..
Grayson…this is our time Grayson
We all need a little more art in our life
We all need a little more art
Grayson my confession sits with the high priest of all the misfits
Artefacts of isolation for your consideration
Worthless tools in the digital shed
A transistor radio battery dead
And a massive flashing motel sign
Tickles the fancy flutters the heart
Every connection every reflection every rejection every hope
We all need a little more art in our life
We all need a little more art
We all need a little more art in our life
I turn my gaze away I don’t know what to say
How to feel and or how to look
Into the soul of the etiquette book
Good job Bob Dylan’s let me off the hook
Grayson we can do this thing
This raw material is nowhere near as ethereal as you think Absent friends take a bow here we go now here we go now
We all need a little more art in our life
We all need a little more
Darling, all aboard the penny farthing
Darling, make it cool and make it daring, darling
Conceptualisms world of naff
Dada and the baked bean bath
Futurism takes you back
Impressionism paints it black
Modernism doesn’t care
Apparently, we’re getting there apparently, we’re getting there

Fifteen minutes of fame the old Warhol cliché was
A feeble affair so late in the day
Just show me the work and I’ll copy and paste
I don’t want you to get all covered in paint

Just choose an image help yourself
Off the jpeg off the shelf
I’ll be right here if you need some help

Opportunity knocked exhibitions sold out
But now the likes and the views the feeds and the news
Are riddled with doubt
I try to keep up to date wash dirty hands
New wave coming soon yeah, you’re gonna need to make plans

Just take a picture make a copy
Hang it up in the hotel lobby
Tell the manager not to worry

Reproduction is king and Andy knows best
He takes a very dim view of all our futile regrets
Repeat after repeat cause nothing has changed
Nico’s harmonium drones into oblivion

The negative is in the can the picture sucks
It’s just a PR scam you’re not fault it’s the way I am

Max’s closed down and the factory sold
A long time ago but that story that story’s still told
And now the gallery show is a raging success
All those tales in a spin all those heads in a mess

Take a picture of yourself off the peg off the shelf
I’m still here if you want some help

The prefect song exists
And when you first hear it
The melody feels brand new and
Every line of it rings true
No matter if you’ve already heard
Every nuance every word
You need to hear it once again
Stop what you’re doing and listen

Makes you cry you feel like you want to die
Makes you smile but after a very short while

The perfect song it seems too slow
You discover another on the radio
One that hits a magical spot
First you grow cold and then you get hot
And you pray for a beautiful day
And you feel surreal

The perfect song twists and crawls
In and out of the dance halls
It takes a seat centre stage
Then it disappears clean off the page
All gone where did the idea came from
All gone back to square one

The perfect song I thought I wrote
I threw away note for note
I gave up on chapter and verse
And saying goodbye, it really hurts
And love love will tear us apart
Still you know that old chestnut by heart
And life imitates art
Here we are back at the start

Of my perfect song
My perfect song
My perfect
My perfect

She studied for a Fine Art Degree in a red brick University
She said Oh wow now just look at me
I was working on a building site
I’d joined a band we were doing alright
Session on the local BBC
She drew me a picture of the queen
Naked in bath for all to see
And it’s still hanging on my wall
And it remains a talking point
When my friends come over to call

She was a beautiful girl
She came from a different world
I never stood a chance
She met a Dutch photographer
And he photographed her in her underpants
She wrote to me explaining why she had to say goodbye
I found it hard to accept
But I did as I was told
I was as good as gold and I did my best to forget her

I never heard from her in a very long time
And then she appeared in a vision of mine
As real and true as I stand here before you
So I put her into this song
Now it feels like she’s been here all along
Should I try to track her down, now I’m back in the old town?
If you know who I’m talking about tell her to come by I hardly ever get out

I’d been back here for a couple of years
There was no sign of her
I was starting to think I’d made it all up
And Mr Shadrack was calling my bluff
When out of the blue I took a call
And we went to the zoo and we went to the ball
We took the bus after the wedding drove into the sunset
That was the ending

A swimming pool in California so blue
There’s Neil and Joni too

A bigger splash

We framed the poster put it on the wall
Back from San Francisco in the fall

A bigger splash

The Grateful Dead are tripping in heaven
They turn their amps way up to eleven
Come on over if you want to take a swim
You know I like to watch you glide
Gracefully in the water and make a bigger splash

A bigger splash

Years roll by the edges frayed
Sunlight discolored the frame

A bigger splash

So, we took it down to get it all cleaned up
Not sure what happened to it after that

Mines a different kind of heaven
Football in the park walking by the Severn
Come on over if you want to
Hang out with the kids do what it is you need to
There’s a lovely park here too

I’d like to think you put the poster back, after I left
On the wall in its rightful place

A bigger splash

And every once in a while, when you walk past
It puts a smile upon your face

A bigger splash

David Hockney in 67 says he died, he died and went heaven
All those paintings live on forever, but this was the one keeping us together
Golden Gate fold sacred hill side Amoeba Records before the greats died
Come on over if you want to take a swim you know you know I like to watch you dive gracefully into the water

And make a bigger splash

A bigger splash

Oooh la la la la la la la la

I’m not afraid of Top of the Pops
I’m not afraid of you
I’m just a man a man out of time
That time is 1972

Cause if you knew then what you know now
What would you change, anything?
Glitter and stars spiders from Mars
And the untimely death of a King

Ooh

I’m not afraid of Noggin the Nog
Or of The Singing Ringing Tree
I’m just a man a man out of time
That time is 1973

Cause if you knew then
What you know now
What would you change anything?
Reservoir high reach for the sky teaching the world to sing

Out of tune in the pub
Whilst falling in love
With the girl of your dreams
And the Likely Lads theme it’s everywhere

Oooh la la la la la la la la

I’m not afraid to cheat in exams
I’m not afraid of the law
I’m just a man a man out of time
That time is 1974

I met your mother back in the day
And she took me home for the night
I saw her again just the other week
And she gave me terrible fright

Ooh

I’m not afraid of Lyndsey De Paul
Or of the Seven Seas of Rhye
I’m just a man a man out of time
That time is 1975

Richard Stilgoe Donny and Marie
Bri-nylon sheets and a chain-mail bikini
Is this how you wanna get your kicks
I said roll on1976

And the punks in the park
Scare the children after dark
And the Teds beat em up
For a laugh

La la la la la la la la
I’m a man out of time

In 74 the schools at war on the 318 and the 144
T Rex at the old town hall
It’s a long way back but we’ve walked home before

Cricket Club discothèque and a gang of lads in fancy dress
Kicking off getting chased over the waste ground to the new estate

Life’s a gas no life’s a bitch
Tony Blackburn he’s in bits
Rocky Horror dressed like a witch
Cause I am the grove and you are the ditch

And there’s fighting in the colleges
And dancing at The Forest Inn
Strand Café at the top of the town
Gang of Kids in Dr Martens give you the run around

Feather cut at the barbers shop
A Les Paul copy and a smoker’s cough
Hop Wood ho down its The Jameson Raid
Dying of exposure discontented winter days

Roof top protest not a stitch
Jesus loves you now just play the hits
The show must go on without a hitch
Cause I am the grove and you are the ditch

I don’t want to be in your gang
No Puppy Love no Shang a Lang
Tarts n vicars fools romancing
And always way too many skinheads dancing

Guitar Hero gone to ground
The headlines run in the NME & Sounds
Once upon a time he was bound for glory
Now a tax exile and a closet Tory

Wacky Warehouse and you’re off your tits
Pills n thrills in starts and tits
They rot your teeth man give you a twitch
Cause I am the grove and you are the ditch

I am the grove and you are the ditch…

He’s one of a kind if he did but know it
Here comes a big reveal don’t blow it
Been round in circles like stalking a prey
Opportunity knocks he will seize the day
And you cant remember anything about him in particular
Did he pay attention in class was he a regular
Was he?

This is the church this is the steeple
Open the door it’s just pop music for ugly people
See them come running

Meanwhile in the bus station at midnight
They’re rounding up the homeless
And they’re taking them some place out of sight
Results come in and he twitches, and he smiles
He came from nowhere just a couple of miles down the road
The screaming Lord is well beaten into third
Its no more or less than we deserve

CHORUS

He blame’s the scroungers and the née do wells
Playing out of time and a dream that didn’t sell
The wretched blame game and the art of spin
One hundred thousand signatures won’t stop him

CHORUS

All the polls were wrong the data is gone
And you were right all along about that
There’s no such thing as a predictable win
The doting wife duly kisses him

CHORUS

Ugly people

Grayson let’s do this thing
Art is can make your head sing
Time to change those dreary clothes dig out the strobes…
Rockefella was at the ball but Cinderella took the money took it all
And now they’re arguing about the price of oil and the cost of living…
Grayson get yer yas yas out, rolling stoned, lips to mouth as
Mo Tucker beats the loving drum of human kindness and everybody freezes
We all need a little more art in our life
We all need a little more art…
The potters wheel of fortune spins
And you invite us in
To share the delights of broken kilns
and a teddy bear called Alan
Lets make art Grayson
Lets make new stuff
We can paint is soy sauce and we can sculpt in mud
We’re a happy accident down the line
Like an endless search for a perfect wine
This is our time…
We all need a little more art in our life
We all need a little more art…
Grayson my confession sits
with the high priest of all misfits you know who you are
The artefacts of isolation for your consideration
Hot water babies by design
And a massive flashing motel sign it
Tickles the fancy and flutters the heart Is that what you call it…
Every connection every reflection
Every rejection every hope…
We all need a little more art in our life
We all need a little more art in our life
We all need a little more art…
Turn my gaze away
I don’t know what to say
How to feel or how to look
Into the soul of the etiquette book
Good job Bob Dylan lets me off the hook
Oh Grayson
I’m googled your page
All those hits and plays
We can this thing The raw material is nowhere near as ethereal
As you think
And art is just another four-letter word
We all need a little more art in our life
We all need a little more art in our life
Get yer head down
Isolation is good for the concentration
Darling…all aboard the penny farthing
Darling…make it cool and make it daring
Conceptualist that’s pretty naff
Expressionist in a baked bean bath
Futurism takes you back
Impressionism there’s a knack
Modernism doesn’t care
Apparently, we’re getting there…
Grayson…

How did you get on
Where did you go wrong
Who do you think you are

How much can you take
Keep your foot on the brake
And leave your shoes by the door and your heart on the dancefloor…

Screw you
Culture vulture

Time like a chimpanzee
Hangs from the balcony
Drops a Mahler symphony
And promises to set your mind free

Art is a tired old man
Science doesn’t have a plan
Radio a black hole
That recycles the same old hyper bowl

Screw you
Culture Vulture

Embrace the unpopular song
Expect to get it all wrong
And wash the car soccer Mom there’s a little bit of me in where you’re from

Do your best to entertain
In spite of an unfortunate name
Like Sean write for luck
Many are called but few get up oh

Screw you
Culture vulture

A drop in the ocean of life
A grain of sand a beach in the moonlight
Fake news heads in a spin
A bit like you a bit like him

Cart before the horse
Tried before the courts
Been and gone the paintings going to sell but you can’t afford to buy one

Screw you
Culture vulture

I’m in the jungle get me out of here
I have a morbid fear of creepy crawlies
I’m in the Trafford Centre get me out of here
I have this morbid fear get me out of here

Screw you
Culture vulture

I’m at the pool get me out of here
I have this morbid fear of drowning
I’m in the theatre get me out of here
I have a morbid fear of Shakespeare
Get me out of here

Culture vulture

Oh no not you again

You wear me out I’ll wear you in
Don’t get too fat don’t get too thin
You fit so well I won’t take you off
Now I am found no longer lost
My point of view was never clear
My new beginning starts right here
I swear I was a living ghost
Until you gave me what I needed most

My Uniform
My Uniform
My brand-new uniform

I stood for nothing until you spoke
About belonging to the club I used to think you were a joke
I do exactly what I’m told
I have a function I have a role
I know my fate I know my foes
I know pleasure of putting creases in my clothes
The outside world don’t stand a chance
You call the tune and I will dance

My Uniform
My Uniform
My brand-new uniform

Maintain a distance I play it cool
Feels like going back to school
I have a new identity
Thank you for coming to rescue me
I’ll be the best dismiss the rest
With flying colours on every test
And keep the peace, maintain the norm
I will comply I will conform

My Uniform
My Uniform
My brand-new uniform x2

My Uniform

She needs a man about the house
Someone who can do a proper job
A sensitive yet sensible example
Not a helpless good for nothing slob
What good’s a man about the house
When all he does is get under your feet
Go to the football and to the pub
You can pick one up like that on any street

A broken dream machine that’s way beyond repair
No good to anyone oh how she must despair

She needs a man about the house
Someone who won’t get under her skin
Tells herself she’s the only one
Stupid enough to live with him
The only person he loves is himself
He never does a blessed thing
Locks himself away inside his room Create some idea…berate some idea

To get things done around her you might as well do them yourself In the time that it takes him to think he could have painted the fence Wallpapered the living room he could have fixed that kitchen sink

A broken dream machine that’s way beyond repair
No good to anyone Oh how she must despair
One night with Pamela Sigourney or Jennifer
A Harley Davidson Trip across America….

Yes I do appreciate the calls
Yes I do appreciate the cards
Yes I do appreciate the thoughts
Yes I do appreciate the laughs

I am grateful for my job
Grateful for the sympathy
I am grateful for the understanding
Grateful for the empathy

Get well soon
Get well soon
Get well soon
Get well soon

I believe the doctor knows best
So I put my life in his hands
I need to get myself some rest
I will adhere to my care plans

Get well soon
Get well soon
Get well soon
Get well soon

There’s a voice I can only hear at night
Tells me everything will be OK
But I don’t believe a word
I just want that voice to go away

When I get out of here
I’ll be looking in on you
And you’ll be acting kind of weird
Like you haven’t got a clue

Get well soon

Oh Jesus when will it all end
Say you cant keep up the pace
Got your trousers half way down
Rotten egg upon your face
Another friend of a friend
Says he saw you falling down
And the fence can never mend
The key cannot be found

Saw them running still you kept it hid
Like beating time on your coffin lid

Guilt tripper

As we go breaking cupids law
All conviction sadly lacking
He pins you to the floor
This time he's attacking
If you close not to think
About his age old game
Then your secrets will all stink
And your waiting be in vain

If you catch me running don't you get me wrong
I was so diffident until you came along

Guilt tripper

Imagine writing a song called Imagine
Imagine doing anything like that
Sitting at the piano in a white suit
A Japanese girlfriend and siamese cat
They say it came together in the twinkling of an eye
The momentum of the melody was enough to make them cry
For the people all those people in the name of love and peace
Politicians world leaders scumbags and cheats

Imagine writing a song called Imagine
Try and imagine doing something like that
In a darkened room on an eight track machine
On a country estate like the one we've all soon
In the film of the song the book of the dream with that really weird kid in the kitchen scene

Is there anyone out there who doesn't know the words
Is there anyone still listening to them after all these years
Cause if any son was ever gonna change the world it was this one

Imagine writing a song just like Imagine
Thats the most stupid idea I've ever heard

I'm not fighting some war where everybody dies
Or cheating on a girl telling superficial lies
I'm just trying to get me head around the greatest protest song ever written

Imagine writing a song called Imagine
I imagine doing something like that

Jump the brook Ruth
It isn’t very deep
I built a damn but it isn’t very steep

Break a leg kid
It’s not all right
Cause you’re going home in an ambulance tonight

Jump the brook Ruth
Do as I say
I set a trap for you & I’m going to make you pay

We talked some more and eventually she agreed
She took a few steps back and she gathered up speed

But she couldn’t see the trip wire
I’d hidden in the trees

Next minute she lets out a scream
She’s lying headfirst down in the stream
There’s blood in the water people gather around
There’s a siren going off in the distance
Jump the brook Ruth
Jump the brook Ruth

I’m stood there at the waters edge transfixed by fear
I hear the sounds of people as they whisper in my ear
What an evil little boy what an evil little boy

We’re going to tell your parents
We’re going to tell the school
It will be to be curtains, curtains for you

Later that night I was relieved to hear
Ruth had nothing more than scratches to her ear
She was back at school the very next day
But she didn’t call at my house no she kept well away

And we haven’t spoken to this day…

Jump the brook Ruth
If you dare
Jump the brook Ruth
Show me that you care

Jump the brook Ruth
Play the game
I really like you in a way that I cant explain
So jump the brook Ruth
Go on

They said I was no more
Said I’d been and gone
My time was all over
All over and done

My star had faded out
Out of time and out of space
But I returned
To restart the race

Swore it was the end of the world
But I came back
Back as a girl
Sugar and spice and all things nice

My hands were tiny
You said they were good for porn…not that I ever did any
My heart was big
My soul reborn

I tasted of pear drops and strawberry lip-gloss
My shoes were stacked up high
I couldn’t read maps
But I would try I’d try…oh how I’d try

Swore it was the end of the world
But I came back
Back as a girl
Sugar and spice and all things nice

I could be devious
I could be serious
I could be cruel and I could be Oh so mischevious

Thought it was the end of the world
Then I came back as a girl
I had waited all my life
To be somebody’s lover
To be somebody’s wife

I know it sounds a little absurd
But I came back as a girl
Sugar and spice and all things nice

Back in extra time
Back in the firing line
Back on the town with Terry and Dave
On to the pub and on to the rave

Dancing my life away
Was I straight or was I gay?

I grew my hair and my nails
Got a dolphin tattoo
Kinky sex under the stars
In my best knickers and bras

I shopped until I dropped
So easily I cried
At Sleepless in Seattle and the one about the virgin bride…

No one believed me
When I said
The real me is dead
They thought I’d lost
My head
They thought it was the end of the world
And then I came back as a girl
I came back as a girl…

Can I get my ball back Mr Low
I lost it in your garden many years ago
Been hanging on to stuff that others have let go
So can I get my ball back?

Do I want to get my teeth into this life?
Do I want the job, the mortgage and the wife?
You used to tell me everything would be alright
So can I get my ball back…Mr Low?

The house is on fire and the children have gone
Back to the place they are from
As bury my head in a time capsule with a prize day poem from junior school

Can I get my ball back Mr Low?
It’s bright and cheap it’s all I’ve got to show
Sorry for the trouble the lengths you had to go
But can I get my ball back?

There’s no time like the past to reinvent the wheel
To change the way you are distort the way you feel
I’ve done it or so long now I’ve no idea what’s real
So can I get my ball back?

Mr Low…The Davenports man brings beer to your home
Rolfs on TV with a stylophone…
And your Dad’s having a moan

So can I get my ball back??

If the timing is wrong and music is crass
And the melody sucks I'll be taken to task
For trying to write in tablets of stone
With broken scissors and an old megaphone

If the dreams that you have all fade and die
And the sadness returns when there is no reply
If the song in your head can never be heard
Then all I can do is give you my word

All I wanted to say from the bottom of heart
Sounds like an obvious line for the part
But I want you to know I'm here for you
Whatever comes around that much I know is true

When it all fades away into second hand art
I will take to the stage and die on my arse
But I want you to know this song is for you
And its dying from trying to reach you

All I have to say as we come to an end
My love remains strong on that you can depend
I just want you to know I'm here for you
Like Elvis Costello my aim is true

So here I go again sharing my fears
A cabaret singer nobody hears
In the lap of the gods on a wing and a prayer
Still missing you dearly and lost in despair

Still missing you dearly and lost in despair

Please let me in let me into the club
Do you recognize my face, not the one you’re thinking of?
Once upon a time I looked a lot like him
I was younger then handsome and slim
Now I’m waiting at a nightclub door
Flashing some my ID from1984
When I played a mean guitar and I played the fool
Traveled the world I broke every rule

I’m sorry sir I never heard of you
So take your place with the others at the back of the queue
I’m sorry sir it’s just house rules
The policy of the establishment can appear a little cruel…

Hey did I tell you I appeared on top of the pops
I met Ruby Flipper and Sam Fox
I have my very own radio show I’m the kind of person you really ought to know
Slept with three thousand women in my life
I have a wonderfully understanding and supportive wife
She’s at home with the kids doing the chores
She loves every single one of my come back records

I’m sorry sir I never heard of you
So take your place at the back of the queue
I’m sorry sir it’s just house rules
The policy of the establishment can appear a little cruel

Ok I can see we’re not getting anywhere here
I want to speak to the manager I want to make myself clear
This kind of thing never happens to me, you will regret this just wait and see
I know some people and they wouldn’t think twice
About shutting down this shit hole on a Saturday night

I’m sorry sir I hear what you say
But it’s more than my job is worth so please just go away
I’m sorry sir but that’s my final line
You’ve had your fifteen minutes now it’s someone else’s time
Someone else’s time
You’ve had your fifteen minutes
Now it’s someone else’s time

Into the display arena steps a vacuum cleaner
Encased in glass and so dust free
Like it was never designed to be
here in this living space objects are out of place
Out of time and then Shazam
The magic and the sure I am

She's all round the corners and waiting in the wings
Another name to play the game now what is it she brings
She's all around the houses with some future generation
Its such a change from yesterday but it only seems like yesterday

Want a blast want a hit
Want a different kind of fit
Want the first in the queue

You want the shock of the new

She so well hidden now but it won't take long
When she shows these moments will be dated
Its history well more or less
Its a picture but its such a mess

And she knows the game is over
And she knows she doesn't care
It takes much more than facts and fate
To driver her to despair

Want a bet want a heart
Want a world thats worlds apart
Want that face with a view

This is shock of the new

Into the display arena steps a vacuum cleaner
Encased in glass and so dust free
Like it was never designed to be
here in this living space objects are out of place
Out of time and then Shazam
The magic and the sure I am

Its a set to and I'll get you and I'll rub your face in the mud
Wash out your mouth with the soap of my love
The Christmas crackers are exploding in your face
But you were never here and I was never there in the first place

War all the time

As Penny drops her big idea it crashes like a test plane
We clear the room and put in a chest drain
Nobody goes in nobody comes out
Theres a familiar knock on the door
If the best mans speech don't you make you cry
Then the bridesmaids with give you want for

War all the time

The two fat lovers are smoking in silence
They stand apart they gaze into the distance
They could be young but most probably older
They could be looking over your shoulder

They work together here in this building
And they’re not going anywhere
And if they’re happy they don’t ever show it
No gym club membership no weight watchers and no keep fit
For the two fat lovers…

He reads a magazine and she reads the echo
They look not unlike a biblical tableau
Will they get married and live close by?
Will they have babies grow old and die?

They work together here in this building
And they have nothing to declare
And if they’re happy they don’t ever show it
No gym club membership no weight watchers and no keep fit
Not the two fat lovers

Always seen together
Everyday lasts forever
Through all incumbent weather
And they look into each others eyes but not very deeply

They’re going home to bacon and eggs
They can’t buy their clothes off the pegs
And as the years pass them by they’ll get a nasty friction burn to the thigh
The two fat lovers…

Canvass remaining blank thoughts cloud and moments null
The gardener is a waiter
Some distant drummers beat way down a one way street
Leave everything until later

We photograph the trash this car was made to crash
Ten seconds after midnight
The signing of a cross a look of total loss
No matters of fact or insight

I am an unhappy painter and I cant draw to save my life
The images are growing fainter
And the reasons all but disappeared from sight all but disappeared from sight

The tender mercy squad they want you for their god a soul remains on trial
For books you never read things you never said some day they'll be a trial
Seeds of bureaucracy shape the hypocrisy and turn brave heads to stone
The rancid government sets crime and punishment
What good is one man alone

I am an unhappy painter and I cant draw to save my life
The images are growing fainter
And the reasons all but disappeared from sight all but disappeared from sight

If all the world were paper
And all the sea were ink
And all the trees were bread and cheese
What would we have to drink?

So much for golden rules for playing kings and fools
No points are given away
He moves from liquor stores and onto distant shores
In search of where to pray

The queen of hearts she fled
the four and she got wed
She never made a fuss
But its no wonder that the proletariat get so delirious

I am an unhappy painter and I cant draw to save my life
The images are growing fainter
And the reasons all but disappeared from sight all but disappeared from sight

There they go now...

Action statement impact displacement
Buzz word fuzz word when talking seems so absurd
Concrete n complex and working with the concept
Speak up you act tough we're here and now but for the big muff
You gotta switch on n latch you hung around until your star shown ne
Do-wop you shop for every click now you cant stop cause its a

One two three four five right before my very eyes
Six seven eight nine ten I just let it go again

Direction protection and looking at your own reflection
Team a and team b and following a team c
See saw and little bo a nursery rhyme to end the show
Fiction dereliction we draw upon a contradiction
Heaven sent and you invent the explanation tell me what it meant
Shore lines and side lines the lazy mars and shooting star signs
Forever ever for never never for feeling dumb and acting clever its a

One two three four five right before my very eyes
Six seven eight nine ten I just let it go again

With a virtue to see me through as waiters wait always too late
Nice time to feel fine new gods on offer make you feel devine
Great reward for pen and sword a baby book she wrote with Betty Ford
A single line and never mine but back in my head a nursery rhyme
Days long mays song is drifting out to where it feels strong
Its all here so don't fear I'm giving you the all clear and its a

One two theres four five right before my very eyes
Six seven eight nine ten I just let it go again

And its a one two three four five right before my very eyes
Six seven eight nine ten then I just let it go again

I just let it go ....again

Right before my very eyes...

Now you are gone
I try on your waistcoat
Too big
Feels strange

And I wear the hat
The hat that you wore [when you were]
On stage

Watch the DVD
Again, watch the DVD again

And I say thank you thank you
I will always treasure them as I
Try and embrace Dr deaths absurdism

We used to go
To the match
On Boxing Day

You told the time
Without a watch you’d say
It’s exactly 12 minutes to two
And you were always right and
You built us a kite and an igloo

We kids thought the world of you
And the humanist preacher
Spoke of a thinker and a teacher
At the funeral I wept self piteously
And I thought to myself
This is how it will be for me

A group of old musicians
In a cemetery
Telling stories distorted by memory
Adding bits on for the sake of a story

The one about the child
He never did see
The one about the lover
He never managed to please
The one about the career that never took off
The loves that he fought he won and he lost

Oh
Life goes out like a light

Too soon the darkness comes
Too soon the darkness comes
To soon too soon

You wear me out I’ll wear you in
Don’t get too fat don’t get too thin
You fit so well I won’t take you off
Now I am found no longer lost
My point of view was never clear
My new beginning starts right here
I swear I was a living ghost
Until you gave me what I needed most

My Uniform
My Uniform
My brand new uniform

I stood for nothing until you spoke
About belonging to the club [I used to think you were a joke…]
I do exactly what I’m told
I have a function I have a role
I know my fate I know my foes
I know pleasure of putting creases in my clothes
The outside world don’t stand a chance
You call the tune and I will dance

My Uniform
My Uniform
My brand new uniform

Maintain a distance I play it cool
Feels like going back to school
I have a new identity
Thank you for coming to rescue me
To be the best dismiss the rest
With flying colours on every test
To keep the peace maintain the norm
I will comply I will conform

My Uniform
My Uniform
My brand new uniform

She needed some new underwear
We went to the Trafford Centre
And after the cinema
Found ourselves in
Marks and Spencer
These will do the trick she said…nice

I say the thong seems to have given way to something altogether more rounded?
The Brazilian she said
That’s what the new shape is called

Oh …

I thought that was something to do with shaving I say, a little too smugly – no reaction

Some ten minutes later she’s paying at the counter at the front of the queue when she shouts across the shop floor
‘Can you just bring me another size 12 in the black?’
‘They’re on offer, thanks’…

At this point the women in the queue all turn around, they too are looking at me
I feel like I’m on trial, on trial by lingerie

I return to the briefs and bras section but in haste get all confused and start to panic, I can’t find them, I’m going round in circles, bras and knickers, briefs and stockings I am overwhelmed, overcome,

Oh dear…

We have a further verbal and this time she’s raised her voice, ‘I can see them from here’ she says until she finally with much huffing and gesture she leaves the queue, marches towards me and duly identifies the required knickers giving them a little wave in the air signaling success, result!

Out of the corner of my eye I can see other women in the queue smiling, nudge nudging, wink winking, and collectively groaning ‘men egh’…

I have behaved to type, and they know it, and I know it…

I apologize

Back at the till
The girl at the till is patient and polite
It’s easy to get confused she says a little too sweetly
It happens all the time

The store is closing
We say goodbye

Do you mind if I go to HMV I say?
Only if you promise to be quick is the reply…

Antony Gormley’s statues impose
Seen on the beach in silent repose
Look out to sea and not far from me in Crosby
Antony Gormley’s men look a treat
Swinging their dicks right down to their feet
Scaring the children and intriguing the lonely the dog walkers

They go
Ooh wee that’s the most incredible penis we ever did see
Ooh wee that’s a fine old sausage but its not very sexy

Antony Gormley just can’t resist
Wrapping himself up in plaster of Paris
His helpers say it’s just another day at the office
Antony Gormley is molding the cast
Takes off his clothes off and he sits in the bath
The lazy the assistants know just how to wrap him up oh yes they do

They go
Ooh wee that’s the most existential penis we ever did see
Ooh wee that’s a fine old sausage but its not very sexy

Antony Gormley’s cock on display
Some of us wish he’d just put it away
But he says no I’ve got something to say to the people
People like you and people like me
People that like to walk by the sea
People in love and people who work in the city

They all sing
Ooh wee that’s the most amazing existential penis I ever did see
Ooh wee that’s a fine old sausage but its not very sexy

Not very sexy
Not very sexy
Not very sexy
Not at all

There comes a time of no reply
There comes a time to say goodbye
And now the time is here
Goodbye my love my dear goodbye

Never mind the hurt and the cruel regret
Nor the bitter tears the tears we shed
Put the photographs away
For another rainy day to come in April

It doesn't matter how far I move away
part of me with be with you forever
I know it sounds absurd but I wish that I could stay
In your loving arms forever

But I don't want to be your new best friend
So I can never see your again
Theres nothing more to add
I'm just so very sad today

Just so very say today.
credits

If you vote for me
I’ll give you my word
I will do my utmost to change the world

If you vote for him
He will let you down
He won’t do a thing
He won’t stick around

But if you vote me in
I will not give up
The struggle for a better life
A better life for us

I only have
Your best interest
At heart

If you vote for me
I’ll repay the trust
I’ll be there for you from dawn to dust

Vote for me
Don’t vote for him
Vote for me

He’s one of a kind if he did but know it
Here comes a big reveal don’t blow it
Been round in circles like stalking a prey
Opportunity knocks he will seize the day
And you cant remember anything about him in particular
Did he pay attention in class was he a regular
Was he?

This is the church this is the steeple
Open the door it’s just pop music for ugly people
See them come running

Meanwhile in the bus station at midnight
They’re rounding up the homeless
And they’re taking them some place out of sight

Results come in and he twitches, and he smiles
He came from nowherejust a couple of miles down the road
The screaming Lord is well beaten into third
Its no more or less than we deserve

CHORUS

He blame’s the scroungers and the née do wells
Playing out of time and a dream that didn’t sell
The wretched blame game and the art of spin
One hundred thousand signatures won’t stop him

CHORUS

All the polls were wrong the data is gone
And you were right all along about that
There’s no such thing as a predictable win
The doting wife duly kisses him

CHORUS

Ugly people

Dianne Abbott takes a selfie
Uploads it to Instagram
Her followers they all share it
And she’s so grateful for it

And she completes a questionnaire
The Guardian want to know
What’s it like to be Dianne?
Tell us something we don’t know

People recognise her on the train
She’d rather not sign autographs today
Don’t ask her outright can’t you see she’s working
Yeah right

David Cameron takes a selfie
Uploads it to snap chat
On his arm a brace of bimbos
And he’s grinning like Cheshire cat

The man who hailed the Brexit gamble
And loved up corporation tax
He likes to let his hair down
Whenever he gets a chance

People recognise him just the same
Dancing in the silent disco with what’s her name
Samantha went home early she’s in bed
With a book and a bit of a sore head
She’s lightweight

Ann Widdecombe posts a selfie
And Twitter holds its breath
People re tweet in their droves
And Ann feels happy to connect

The faded reality TV star
And the virginal MP
Is looking for another challenge
To suit her personality

People recognise her everywhere she goes
She checks her news feed and her sensible clothes
The dairy’s is filling up
And Jesus loves her for being just like one of us
Or so she tells herself

William Haig takes a selfie
Brian Cox takes a selfie
Alan Shearer takes a selfie
Sandy Toksvig takes a selfie
Charmaine from Holly Oaks takes a selfie
Ed Balls takes a selfie

He takes a lot of selfies

Oh no not you again

How did you get on
Where did you go wrong
Who do you think you are
How much can you take
Keep your foot on the brake
And leave your shoes by the door and your heart on the dancefloor…

Screw you Culture vulture

Time like a chimpanzee
Hangs from the balcony
Drops a Mahler symphony
And promises to set your mind free

Art is a tired old man
Science doesn’t have a plan
Radio a black hole
That recycles the same old hyper bowl

Screw you Culture Vulture

Embrace the unpopular song
Expect to get it all wrong
And wash the car soccer Mom there’s a little bit of me in where you’re from

Do your best to entertain
In spite of an unfortunate name
Like Sean write for luck
Many are called but few get up oh

Screw you Culture vulture

A drop in the ocean of life
A grain of sand a beach in the moonlight
Fake news heads in a spin
A bit like you a bit like him

Cart before the horse
Tried before the courts
Been and gone
The paintings going to sell but you can’t afford to buy one

Screw you Culture vulture

I’m in the jungle get me out of here
I have a morbid fear of creepy crawlies
I’m in the Trafford Centre get me out of here
I have this morbid fear get me out of here

Screw you Culture vulture

I’m at the pool get me out of here
I have this morbid fear of drowning
I’m in the theatre get me out of here
I have a morbid fear of Shakespeare

Get me out of here

Culture vulture

Oh no not you again

Tony spins another plate
It’s not looking good it’s not looking great mate
We’ll have to feed them another line
It’s all a matter of carful timing
You better call the BBC
And tell them that they’re barking up the wrong tree

The truth is out there, don’t you know?
The truth is out there but we don’t need to know it

Tony says enough’s enough
We need to shift the deadline
We need to double up
And take the sting out of the tale
Give them any story and they will derail

The truth is out there, don’t you know?
The truth is out there but they don’t need to show it

The car is here let’s take a ride
Tony knows a place where we can hide
Until the story’s run its course
Don’t speak to anyone you’ve not broken any laws
And once the hot desk has cooled down
They can set you up for life in another town, yeah

The truth is out there don’t you know?
The truth is out there but we don’t need to know it

Cuts to the welfare state are competing with a royal baby’s due date
Shamed banker paid a fortune to retire
Goal of the season the kids on fire

The truth is out there, don’t you know?
The truth is out there, and we don’t need to show it
The truth is out there, don’t you know?
The truth is out there but we don’t need to know it

The truth is out there…

Straight out of Brooklyn to the lower east side he sells postcards to Andy Warhol in a fancy Maddison Avenue restaurant
He’s got the wild line cartoonery pan African imagery chasing demons a wild epiphany
The rest is history the genius and the mystery

In a London squat a man dressed like a biscuit tin
A woman holes in her clothes work for the establishment as cultural heroes
Pedalling the same old lines
The ones about rebellion and the ever-changing times

There was a man who took photos of his family stale aired ketchup polaroid anarchy became a real somebody
With a rich patron and a gallery show, social realism a voyeur in vogue, no more beans on toast
Now he’s photographing the homeless in the local underpass they look indifferent unremarkable and they want paying too

But soon the project is abandoned the funding has dried up he returns to the day job teaching in a provincial college where he remains something of a reclusive celebrity

His finest work a distant memory

Appearing on Question Time
She did OK
Lots of new followers
And plenty to say

Seen at a festival
Drunk in a bar
Deep in the Green Fields
Covered in glitter stars

They say she took off on holiday
Out walking alone
It was business as usual
Messages on her phone

She was royally slaughtered
By some late night DJ
Someone needed to put their arms around her
Tell her everything was OK

Unsolicited email
From a familiar address
And a smear campaign to destroy her good name
Championed by the Daily Express

Did she go into hiding?
She never answered her calls
They just need to draw a line in the sand and move on once and for all

There are bars on the windows
And locks on the doors
And a psychologist called Erica
She challenges my powers of recall

I can’t even remember
The colour of her hair
Or what I was doing on that night she disappeared
I’ve no idea if I was there

Erika’s trying
To do her level best
She thinks I buried the memory
And I need to confess

They think I saw her on Question Time

I never saw her

I don’t even watch it

Every scarecrow needs a field
Every smoker needs a light
Every player plays the game
Every boxer feeds the fight

Every drummer needs a beat
Every lover loves to feel the heat
Every showgirl puts on a show
Every tourist needs a place to go

When the days run away like wild horses
And the nights throw shadows at the wall
We’ll be there at the beginning of the rainbow
We’ll be there at the end of the storm

For every article of faith
There’s a suspicious lady in the lake
For every government covering its tracks there a body in a body bag
For every body in a body bag there’s a government covering its tracks

And the old school never went away
And the old school is here to stay

Every scarecrow needs a field
Every smoker a light
Every player plays the game
Every boxer feeds the fight

When the days run away like wild horses
And the nights throw shadows at the wall
We’ll be there at the beginning of the rainbow
We’ll be there at the end of the storm

Every scarecrow needs a field

Every smoker a light

Oooh la la la la la la la la

I’m not afraid of Top of the Pops
I’m not afraid of you
I’m just a man a man out of time
That time is 1972

Cause if you knew then what you know now
What would you change, anything?
Glitter and stars spiders from Mars
And the untimely death of a King

Ooh

I’m not afraid of Noggin the Nog
Or of The Singing Ringing Tree
I’m just a man a man out of time
That time is 1973

Cause if you knew then
What you know now
What would you change anything?
Reservoir high reach for the sky teaching the world to sing

Out of tune in the pub
Whilst falling in love
With the girl of your dreams
And the Likely Lads theme it’s everywhere

Oooh la la la la la la la la

I’m not afraid to cheat in exams
I’m not afraid of the law
I’m just a man a man out of time
That time is 1974

I met your mother back in the day
And she took me home for the night
I saw her again just the other week
And she gave me terrible fright

Ooh

I’m not afraid of Lyndsey De Paul
Or of the Seven Seas of Rhye
I’m just a man a man out of time
That time is 1975

Richard Stilgoe Donny and Marie
Bri-nylon sheets and a chain-mail bikini
Is this how you wanna get your kicks
I said roll on1976

And the punks in the park
Scare the children after dark
And the Teds beat em up
For a laugh

La la la la la la la la

I’m a man out of time…

Let them eat chips
Let them drink pop
Let them smoke dope
Let them all off the hook

Let them tune in
Let them turn on
Let them oscillate wildly
Let them go for a song

Let them lose sight
Take their eye off the ball
Let them go soft

Make it a free for all
Let them mess up
Let them break down
Lead them to water

Let them all drown
Let them play god
Let them play dead
Let them get sick
Sick in the head

Let them take drugs
Let them forget
Let them fall down
Let them regret

Let their addiction control their lives
Feed their obsession ignore the supplier

Let them take drugs
Let them take drugs
Let their addiction control their lives
Feed their obsession ignore the supplier

Let them get high

Back in the commune Bobby says Stay Free stay really free
We can build ourselves a new society

Let their addiction control their lives
Feed their obsession ignore the supplier

Wasted people carry no threat

Let them take drugs
Let them take drugs
Let them take drugs

Wasted people carry no threat….

In 74 the schools at war
On the 318 and the 144
T Rex at the old town hall
It’s a long way back but we’ve walked home before

Cricket Club discothèque and
A gang of lads in fancy dress
Kicking off getting chased
Over the waste ground to the new estate

Life’s a gas no life’s a bitch
Tony Blackburn he’s in bits
Rocky Horror dressed like a witch
Cause I am the grove and you are the ditch

And there’s fighting in the colleges
And dancing at The Forest Inn
Strand Café at the top of the town
Gang of Kids in Dr Martens give you the run around

Feather cut at the barbers shop
A Les Paul copy and a smoker’s cough
Hop Wood ho down its The Jameson Raid
Dying of exposure discontented winter days

Roof top protest not a stitch
Jesus loves you now just play the hits
The show must go on without a hitch
Cause I am the grove and you are the ditch

I don’t want to be in your gang
No Puppy Love no Shang a Lang
Tarts n vicars fools romancing
And always way too many skinheads dancing

Guitar Hero gone to ground
The headlines run in the NME & Sounds
Once upon a time he was bound for glory
Now he’s a tax exile and a closet Tory

Wacky Warehouse and you’re off your tits
Pills n thrills in starts and fits
They rot your teeth man give you a twitch
Cause I am the grove and you are the ditch

Life’s a gas no life’s a bitch
Tony Blackburn he’s in bits
Rocky Horror she’s a witch
And I am the grove and you are the ditch

I am the grove and you are the ditch

I’m the Malvern winter gardener
Sat out on a deck chair in the snow
A famous rock star in my prime
All the ladies standing in line
Not that any one of you would know oh no
Not that any one of you would know
Not that anyone

I’m a Malvern Winter Gardener
I played here a thousand years ago
You were always my best friend
Until the good times came to an end
The band split up there was nowhere left to go
Not that any one of you would know
Not that any one

Cause nothing grows around here anymore
I’m just trying to keep the weeds at bay and the wolf from the door
I can see that very spot where the cover of Argus was shot
Ted Turner used to come by a lot

To see the Malvern winter gardener
Sweeping leaves and watching the flowers grow oh wo
Hiding in the potting shed
Listening to The Grateful Dead
I get a little off my head but I go with the flow
Not that any one of you would know
Not that any one

And I saw Man I saw Budgie Eddie and the Hotrods Ozzy,
Sassafras, Wishbone Ash, Be Bop Deluxe and The Clash
Were the last band in town
Before my world came tumbling down
The day she left me in this little old town

Where there’s not a lot going on today
So I take the afternoon off
Sit in our favourite café
We split up a way back when
I still think of her every now n then
Not that anyone of you would know oh no
Not that anyone of you would know

Not that anyone

I’m the Malvern Winter Gardener

I got changed and stood out on the landing
Looking out across the fields of clay
Dressed up like one of Cromwell’s henchmen
It was August late bank holiday

I was living Crusoe’s dream in Blackpole
Studying the art of Croft and Law
My girl was watching old films on the TV
She loves Michael Caine and Roger Moore

And the hills were alive with posters
For a far right wing campaign
When I said good-bye to my girlfriend she said
I think it’s going to rain

She never took to battle re enacting
But she understood and she never did complain

There’s a weird high before you go to battle
And you’re always keen to get the detail right
There are prizes for the most authentic costumes
And a busty wench well its every mans delight

No soon as this battle it had started
When a crazy Cavalier hurtled past
And he stuck his sword beneath my breastplate
And I fell down into the mud bath

Amidst my band of brothers re creating battles past
Flags a scabbard pistols a blunderbuss a pike man and his staff

I just lay there in the grass death took me swiftly
I never felt a thing my heart stopped beating
And the battle it raged on but soon I was gone
Soon I was gone
There was nothing that could be done to save me

Now I float across the fields of Blackpole
Like every ghost who passed this way before
Frightening myself as much as anybody else
And meanwhile back in 1664

The spirit life it suits me down to the ground
My girl married the undertaker the man who hung around

And they’re living in the same old house in Blackpole
I heard they plan to settle down

But I’ll be keeping an eye on them yes I will

Once upon a time I was Pike Man
In the English Civil War
And you’d find me in the alehouse
Live music and pussy galore…

In Blackpole

So how long do you plan to stay?
Are you coming back to me one day?
I know I’ve been a long time gone
But this is where I feel stronger

As the Golden City waits in vain
Like a tired raver on a late night train
Coming down again

I took the pills they didn’t work
I took some more and I felt worse
When it was time to say goodbye
I felt like I was going to die

But the Golden City welcomed me
Like a hippy girl in a French movie
Running wild and free

Golden City don’t let me down
Golden City I’ll need you around
Should I fall down again?

Well we almost made it through the night
And somehow made everything all right
We did everything that could have done
And still I ruined all the fun

And the Golden City knows it all
Checks the parachute and breaks the fall
Stands up proud and tall

Golden City shining for you
Golden City my love remains true
But this is what I have to do

Golden City

Rick Mayall Bill the poacher
A trip to Dudley Zoo
Marlbrook Hotel Stone Manor
I’m with the chosen few

Timmy Tricker Jane the stripper
And Bobby Holliday
Joined the navy married a lady-boy
In Sanfrancisco Bay

Oh how we laughed and oh how we cried
I felt invincible stood by your side
Those were the days but now they’re all gone
Thought they’d go on and on and on and on

Father Chidley Bible Study
After Sunday school
Droitwich Lido The Château Impney
Ashtrays all super glued

Jim Reeves Doris Speed
Sandy Richardson
Pete’s Café , The Cravats
Don’t say you’ve never heard of them?
No way..

Oh how we laughed and oh how we cried
And we were bound together arms open wide
Those were the days but now they’re all gone
Thought they’d go on and on and on and on and on

Shoulder of Mutton Johnson Records
And signing on the dole
Harry Peters Panel Beaters and
Andy Taylor on the Coal

Robin the postman Frank the Milkman
He’s got a reel to reel
Gordon the hippy he’s kind of trippy but he’s not the real deal….no way

Oh how we laughed oh how we cried
And how we sang along the day the music died
Those were the days but now they’re all gone
Thought they’d go on and on and on and on

Ernie the butcher Bernie the booker
They call him Mr Village Hall
Georgie Porgy is the life n soul of the orgy
Makes everybody feel small

Blue the budgie Cornish Pastie at the local abattoir
All night horror at The Fleapit dressed up like Dracula
John Birch Guitars amidst the stars
The super loud the super yob
If Pete the chippy smokes that woodbine then he blows the whole place up
He blows the whole place up

Oh how we laughed and oh how we cried

I loved a girl from Bromsgrove Town
Still think about her now
And all the time that’s past between us
The lives we’ve had and how

I never really told her then
That she truly was the one
And no soon as I’d realised
Off to college she was gone

Well I stayed with her at weekends
And we fooled around all night
But something deep inside me told me
Things were not quite right

So I turned up to surprise her
But the first thing that I saw
Was her holding hands and kissing
With the girl next door
She was kissing the girl next door

Well I never said much about it
I tried hard to pretend
And we started going out yeah
Just the three of us
She had no idea I knew then

But I confronted her
And she confessed
She found a different path
And she kind of sorry but
There was no going back

So now I’m stood outside the house
She lived in years ago
I’m just about to knock on the door
But I think I’d better go

Cause thirty years or more have past
That much I know is true
And if I ever met her again I wouldn’t know quite what to do

I wouldn’t have a clue
Not a clue

Perhaps I’m better off in the dark
Perhaps I’ll just take a walk in the park
We used to do that
I don’t want to rush anything

Not me

Cause I loved a girl from Bromsgrove Town
Still think about her now
And all the time that’s passed between us
The lives we’ve had and how

The Singing School Teacher that shaped my history
Taught us English for a year his name was Clifford T
And on the last day of term he walked to school with me
The both of us just couldn’t wait to leave and be free

If you don’t like poetry you can take yourself away
Do a little private study in the Lemon Tree cafe
Stay only if you want to read the sonnets and the prose
And begin to appreciate the significance of the rose as a romantic metaphor

John Dunn, Wordsworth and the Bard were soon ignored
We just listened to stories of Bronco and Dandelion Records
We didn’t do a lot of poetry
He set the homework but homework was the enemy
Homework was the enemy… and the NME

When he appeared on TOTPs it was like all our dreams had come true
Glued to the TV with our parents too who
Collected cuttings from the Bromsgrove Messenger
About the Singing Schoolteacher the way that parents do

The Singing School Teachers career stalled
It’s a fickle business come the rise and fall
I followed him from a distance footnotes in NME
Another MOR singer now a Punk Rock casualty
Then I moved up north and it all just drifted away from me

My mother called and asked me did I know? I said no?
She’d heard a tribute on the Terry Wogan show
Clifford Ward passed away well I thought you’d like to know
Well he was someone I really wish I’d got to know
After school but I never did he was an inspiration when I was a kid

And he still is
He still is

Marshall Mathers on the wrong plane
He doesn’t know yet they all look the same
On the concourse after the landing on
To the shuttle where a train is leaving

For the former home of a young Rick Male
Easy mistake chasing your tail
Puts in a call to his managers office
But the phone is dead and the entourage are muppets

Hops on a train a real bone shaker
In a black and gold hoodie with the melody maker
Back in print for the sake of the song
He’s on his own now the entourage gone

Security man nowhere to be seen
Is every celebrity’s bad dream
An angry commuter catches his eye
Mouths across the carriage man you’re gonna die

In Detroitwich
Detroitwich

On the Lickey incline due south
Through the grove and into the deepest dark heart of rural Worcestershire…

Jumps off train on to the embankment
Chased by a gang from the anti establishment
One of them shouts leave or remain?
They hand cuff him and take him away

In a Robin Reliant three wheeler classic
To a cold store facility its brassic…
No, this isn’t a video shoot
There are the plans and we’re gonna execute in

Detroitwich

They put a sack over his head
It’s like the night of the living dead
They look like extras in the Wicker Man
Steel a blowtorch from a caravan

Just then a man with a trebly hat and Good Samaritan hair
Offers to do the decent thing and finish him off right there
For the millionaire rapper who sampled Chas n Dave
This aint no party this aint no rave

It’s Detroitwich

Eminem is feeling the heat
They light the bonfire under his feet
He starts rapping the Lord’s Prayer
Local girls throw their underwear

Just when he thinks his time has come
P Diddy shows up shows up in car with a gun
Says OK motherfucker’s you’ve had your fun
Then he grabs Eminem and then they are gone…

To a Pub called the Swan on the A38
It’s where everyone goes when they need to escape…

Detroitwich

Eminem & P Diddy arrive at the Swan just after closing time, and Diddy hands over the gun, to Dave the landlord who supplies them with airline tickets business class, and replacement phones in exchange for their watches and their rings…

The beleaguered Rappers, alone in the rural wilderness freely give up their possessions in exchange for away out…

Of Detroitwich

Perhaps we’re in France or maybe Korea
We just have to get out of here…

Detroitwich

From an attic room on Rainbow Hill
Got the sun beating down on the window sill
It’s just a short walk into town
If you ever fancy a wonder around

And yes I’ve been writing songs once again
And no I’m not seeing anyone we’re just friends
And no I hardly ever go out
And yes I still struggle with doubt

A silent drive on a motorway
I talk to myself but there’s nothing to say
I miss you still though you never could see
That you were the only one for me

And yes I have your picture on the wall and you’re beautiful
Although I still think about me and you
It could never be
It will never be the same

I walk by the river I talk to the fishes
Make any number of indecent wishes
But none of them will ever come true
Because I finished with me when I finished with you too

David Swan river man its Sunday morning 8am
Leaves the house and he rides his bike
To Smiths the bakers on The Tything
Where he breaks the bread into the sack
And freewheels to the waters edge
Where he feeds the swans and the ducks
Sweeps the hedgerows tidies up

Should a bird stray onto the towpath?
David Swan picks it up and he puts it back
We have to keep a close eye on them he says with a knowing laugh
David Swan river man removes the lead shot and

The twisted fishing line
Fromm a cygnet’s wing what a poor little thing
But she’s going to be all right
As the children watch and the fathers explain
And the mothers say be careful please be careful
Cause Swans are wild strong and true
Look how beautiful they are please do

Should a bird stray onto the towpath?
David Swan picks it up and he puts it back
You have to keep your wits about you
And mind your back you got to mind your back

David Swan river man
River man

Put your waders on David Swan
You’re the river man
River man

I’m the broken man
I broke up with you
Took everything we had
Broke it clean in two

Then I moved away
Now I live on my own
I miss you every day
But I need to be alone

It’s hard to find the words
And just between us two
I don’t know for sure
What’s made up and what is true

It’s only make believe
Forever in this world
But last night I had a dream
That you were still my girl

It tears us apart
Like Ian Curtis said
You have to suffer for your art
Then it all goes to your head

It takes you by surprise
You never see it coming
There are tears in your eyes
They’re all for nothing

In the institution Drs do their rounds
They ask how you are feeling what’s getting you down?
Nurses serve the dinners Domestics clean the floors
And there’s always a long stand waiting for you in the stores
2 In the institution Patients queue for fags
And some of them have rubbish stored in several bin bags
Staff nurse counts the cutlery makes another pot of tea
There’s a party in the nursing home after work come along with me

Bonfire night and everyone is gathered round the fire
Charlie from the social club gets caught short with desire
The pretty girl in the kitchens has been pleasuring him so
But the ward clerk has reported it now everyone will know….

3 Janis runs the day centre and she’s been there for years
She lives with Len the painter and she knows all the words
To every Beatles song well she’s from Liverpool don’t you know?
She saw them when they first stared out all those years ago
4 A couple in the woodwork group kicking off again
Terry’s had another fit and he needs his PRN
The porters on the blower the trolley will be late
Then it’s be good for the night staff come tomorrow I’m on late

Rick the charge nurse fixes broken cars
He lives on site in staff accommodation but his finest art
Is beating up the patients
I reported him but no
The witnesses were petrified and they as good as told me so I had to go

The group from psyche rehab is cooking beans on toast
In the self help skills department where I swore I saw a ghost
Of a woman pushing an old pram she just floated through the wall
I was staying late rehearsing with my band in the old dance hall
The pretty young psychologist is sitting on my knee
She says this is the first time that she’s taken LSD
You can stay on the sofa bed if you’re really that bleary eyed
But no soon as I’ve mentioned it she’s throwing up outside…

There are women who have lived here all their adult lives
They tell you crazy stories about a missing child
The punishment in those days was to throw away the key
There’s a world of bitter sadness here and subjective cruelty

In the institution
It’s an institution
We are the institution

She’s handing out the biscuits and making a sign
Touches her elbow and she smiles
Young man in a wheelchair with an alphabet board
Support him at the wrists and he will tell you which team he supports
Which team he supports

Everyone has something to say
All you’ve got to do is listen
We’re just learning how to listen

Girl on the swings in a world of her own
She doesn’t speak but she’ll text you on her phone
Man in the pram with a giant head
Watching the cricket he knows everything they said
Ask him score go on ask him

Cause everyone has something to say
All you’ve got to do is listen
We’re just learning how to listen

Handing in the mobile phone
IPod & Dictaphone
Security man in uniform at the gate
Takes a picture like so
ID badge you’re good to go
You’re good to go mate
Julie will escort you
To the meeting you’re expected
Across the forecourt to the lift
We’re running just a little late
I hope that you don’t mind the wait
And there’s a coffee machine…great

Dr Martin says hello
Do I know you? I don’t think so…
You look kind of familiar he says
The patient arrives and we talk
About the contents of the last report
He says he counting off the days

He’s sick of being locked away
Tries to do whatever they say
You have to take it day by day …I say
And then the meeting starts
Reports and pretty colored charts
Are passed around the room this way

The patient walks out soon enough
He says I hate you Dr Marshall not true Dr Marshall not true
He’s sick of being told what to do
By idiots like me n you cause we’ve no idea what people go through

This is what I do now
This is what I do

I make some notes and say my bit
They say he’s getting there but he’s not ready yet
We’ll need to keep him here awhile longer
More feedback from the new OT
She says basket weaving makes him angry
Is it any wonder?

I meet a girl who I used to know
On the way out she says hello
Just tell me what on earth brings you back here?
I say I got a new job
I took over from Bob…remember Bob the one with a beard

This is what I do now
This is what I do

Andy was the saviour of challenging behaviour
He came to change the world
And half the people in the room were swept away on Andy’s broom
And the other half just didn’t believe a word

Andy’s revolution took on the institution
As his disciples found their voice
The management were frightened the patients enlightened
So now’s the time to make a choice

And the misfit voices in his head that sang in perfect harmony
We have to set these people free
Let them be who they want to be
Their time is coming…

Andy took the struggle to the local Town Hall
And chained himself to the railings
Special education was in the doc and the council the architect of failings

Andy made the local news and a spot on the tv
He got everybody talking
But of the lawmakers never could agree
He was like a dead man walking

The misfit voices in his head that sang in perfect harmony
We have to set these people free
Let them be who they want to be
Their time is coming…

Andy didn’t stay for long but he left a big impression
Even now the patients talk about him with affection
Someone said the last they heard he was working in a school
Somewhere south of Liverpool

And the misfit voices in his head that sang in perfect harmony
We have to set these people free
Let them be who they want to be
Let them see who they want to see
Their time is coming

The time is coming….

There’s woman from the agency
Coming to see you tomorrow
She wants to ask you some questions
She wants to get to know you

Who me?
Why me?

She runs a house not far from here
And there’s a vacancy
Perhaps you’d like to go and see
After my shift at a quarter to three

Really?
Yes really –

But I’ve been here for twenty-two years
I’m used to the smells and the staff and the rules
What if I don’t fit in?
What if I can’t settle in?

To community care
Community care
Everybody’s moving out there

You know Terry from the ATC
And Josie sweet Josie
They moved out not so long ago
They have a dog-called Benny they go shopping at Tesco
They’ve a dog-called Benny they go shopping at Tesco

Oh
I didn’t know…

There’s an amazing chippy a short walk away
And the staff make incredible bolognaise
Your own room and a front door key
They look after your money

If you’ve never caught the bus on your own
They will teach you how be alone
How to live in your own home
Just say you want to
Go on

Community care community care
Everyone is moving out there

Community care
Community care

Just say you want to…

Want some peace and quiet and
A pretty place to die?
See those weird lions
In a psychedelic sky

The radio and the TV play at
Maximum volume simultaneously
Spend all day in a giant pram
Listening to Dexy’s Spandau & Wham

And the ward manager says hello
You remember her of course you do
She’s been here for twenty years
She’s an end of life specialist

On Hospital wing
You never recover
Hospital wing
You never get better

The mural on the wall
Painted by art students
Disney characters
Snow white
They’re just trying to cheer the place up right

But you might as well be a ghost
For all they see of see of you
Shift ends then they switch off the light
And you think of your brother
How he put up a fight

He ended his life here
Now it’s your turn to face the fear
Bib on feeding time here comes the fat NA with the toxic skin
You open your mouth here she shovels it in
You choke on your breath and spit out the food

On Hospital wing
Hospital wing

The side room empties as the relatives leave
The kid in the wheelchair has been deceived
A couple of weeks left before he checks out
And that’s more or less what the songs about

On hospital wing
You never recover
Hospital wing
You never get better
Hospital wing
On Hospital wing

Wendy opens a box of toys
She says lets engage and be quiet
Fit the plastic shapes like so
Good boy Stephen there you go

Time the session set the clock
The handsome student arrives on the dot
From the university
Something to do with psychology

Room Management
That’s his thing
He’s bought his guitar
He wants to sing

And its well done Stephen ‘clever’ Dave
Good boy Colin good girl Elaine
The data’s looking really good
Like he knew it always would

Residents occupy and engage
Earning their drinks n their sweets and their praise
The trolleys here what’s for tea?
Everybody’s getting hungry

Room Management
That’s his thing
He’s bought his guitar
He wants to sing

Then the session ends I’ll see you tomorrow
There’s a naked women running by
She’s brandishing a teapot and she looks him in the eye

She says what do you think you are looking at?
What do you think you are looking at?
What do you think you are looking at?
What are you looking at?

Come on you wheelchairs line up by the door
Its time to go for a little walk
For a little walk…

Room Management
That’s his thing
He’s bought his guitar
He wants to sing

Going back to Silver Meadows
My former years were there
Past the quarry where your brother worked
The other year
In the clearing ‘neath the open skies
On the edge of town
Climbing trees and scraping knees
As the big fat orange sun went down

The outreach worker greets us
With a new brochure to read
I tell them I’ll be good this time
And I’ll stay until its time to leave

Going back to Silver Meadows
Same old faces working there
Stan the janitor still smiling
And Jenny she cuts your hair
I lived here when I when young and
I felt safe n sound
Falling asleep beneath
A big fat Disney eiderdown
But when they ask me how I’ve been
I tell them not so good
They say we understand
But then of course I knew they would

Going back to Silver Meadows
It’s got a weird hold on me
Doctor Marshall says I need
Structure and clear boundaries
So I take the medication and
I report for therapy
I know it’s going to take a little while
Before the others warm to me

I recognize a girl I knew from
The last time I was here
She smiles and says come in sit down
There’s nothing for you to fear

Going back to Silver Meadows
Going home to Silver Meadows
I believe in Silver Meadows
I belong at Silver meadows

Going back
I’m going back
Going back to Silver Meadows….

They called him a slow learner they called him names
They sent him to the funny farm without little hope to gain
A runaway teenager they tried to put him in his place
Tied up in the kitchen with a roll of sellotape
His name was Albert oohh
Albert ooooh

Family in the social club dancing the twist
Albert in the back room eating other peoples crisps
Albert was resourceful and he made the great escape
Got picked up by the duty team at the back of the estate
They called him Albert ooooh
Albert ooooh Albert oooh

Six fat coppers pinned him to the floor
Six fat coppers bought him back to the ward
Six fat coppers couldn’t hold him down
No soon as they returned him he was back off into town…

On taxis and on buses Albert never paid
The drivers loved him and the passengers were amazed
Albert travelled Merseyside putting Kerouac to shame
A restless spirit no psychiatrist could tame
They called him Albert…etc

No secure facility kept hold of him for long
He was here just minute ago now he’s gone
Found in the tunnel by the cleaners late at night
Run over by a speeding car but he survived all right
His name was Albert

Albert
My friend Albert oooh
Albert oooh

In the self help skills unit
People learn to dress themselves
Wash them selves
Feed themselves
Use the toilet by them selves
In the S H S U
Patients form an orderly queue
While the staff sit around drinking coffee
With clipboards recording what they do

Verbal prompt gestural prompt
Physical prompt RESULT
Score the task log the graph
Feed it back RESULT

In the self help skills unit
The toasters on the blink
Ted the union steward
Puts his feet up on the sink
The charge nurse goes home early
The students tidy up

Practicing their injections
They have assessments coming up

Verbal prompt gestural prompt
Physical prompt RESULT
Score the task log the graph
Feed it back RESULT

In the self help skills unit
People cannot lose themselves
Remove themselves forget themselves
Become another version of themselves…
Its two-way mirror observation
Take your jumper on and off
Clean your teeth [comb your hair]
Wash your hands [flush the chain]
Until they press the stop-watch
They press the stop…watch

Verbal prompt gestural prompt
Physical prompt RESULT
Score the task log the graph
Feed it back RESULT

I’m the Gerald the porter I am
Your local deliveryman
I can get you whatever it is that you need
Anytime day or night
I will see you all right
Sample whatever you like it’s all right by me

I’ll meet you in the grounds and we can listen to some sounds when we get back to the room
My girl will be there too she’s no idea what I do so keep it sweet…please be discreet

I’m Gerald the porter hey ho
Tabs and wraps and Columbian blow
There you go – and good to see you again

Pharmacologically
I fell in love with 1983
On my face wore
I wore a permanent grin

So if you want to get properly high
Before you lay down to die
I’ll send you eight miles high like Roger McGuin

I’ll meet you in the grounds and we can listen to some sounds when we get back to the room
My girl will be there too she’s no idea what I do so keep it sweet…please be discreet

So you like hashish …try this Moroccan shit
It’s amazing…
Mushroom tea anyone, twist my arm then, go on

You and me/ me and you/ we have lots and lots of jobs to do
Knitting a shawl / Making a bird house /weaving a basket / then we’re back in the big house
Making a pot / painting a fence / helping the porters /doing some errands
Laundry away / ironing shirts / we don’t get paid but we know what we’re worth

And every Wednesday night
At the Wednesday club
Everything feels right
It’s where we fell in love
We’d dance and sing along
And then we’d all applaud as
Steve the DJ says
Same time next week you all

Walk back to the ward/ holding hands
Like a regular couple/ making plans
Feet up / watching tv
It’s the Sale of the Century
Patients in need help and support
That’s what we do its what we’re here for
Mavis in the mirror talks to her self
Jeremy thinks he’s somebody else

And every Wednesday night
At the Wednesday club
We held each other tight
We were so in love
Brown girl in the ring
And the birdie song
We loved to dance and sing
But now that time has been and gone

Going on trips / out and about/ Answering phones / when the staff sneak out/ dinner together in the canteen/ we heard a rumor we don’t believe/ the place is closing and they’re moving us on/ sending us back to the places we’re from / if they do that I wont see you again / and my head will explode and my heart will be broken

And every Wednesday night
At the Wednesday club
Everything feels right
That’s where we fell in love
We dance and sing along
And then we all applaud as
Steve the DJ says
Same time next week you all

I left the hospital in 84 /I was one of the first out of the door / they gave me a room in a house/ with five other people who’d scream and shout/ I thought of you every day/ but you were just too far away / I still miss the old place but once I was gone / all they ever said was time to move on /

And every Wednesday night
At the Wednesday club
We held each other tight
We were so in love
Brown girl in the ring
And the birdie song
We loved to dance and sing
But now that time has been and gone

Been and gone

You better behave or they’ll send you away
Send you away to the back wards
Just settle down and do as you’re told
Or they’ll make you pay on the back wards

Remember Peter Davies stood on his tiptoes
Smashed a lot of cups broke a lot of windows
Now he rocks like a baby doesn’t say a word
He’s just a pussycat these days so I heard

The silent giant sweeps the day room floor
People bang their heads on the wall
The nurses are smoking, smoking and joking
Knuckle sandwich a black aspirin

Remember Penny Jones with the amazing hair
In the micro skirts showing all her underwear
They hit her where it hurts and she stayed down
No witnesses no recourse no one else around

There’s a punishment block a time out room
Where they give you a good kicking
No body hears you when you scream
Everyone says it was nothing

The ward clerk and the fat NA
Take their evil secrets to the grave
Tell stories about the good old days
On the back wards
The porter leaves the trolley in the snow
The big wigs come and go
When you’re out of sight and out of mind
All leave applications declined

On the back wards
We’re going backwards…

When I was young I lived with my Mum and my Dad in an English village
I played out and I had fun in the English village
After school freezing in the pool with an unfortunate kid called Steve
Who impaled himself on the rusty spike when he was climbing a tree

Story time class one form a line it’s the English village
Stig of the Dump and Down The Bright Stream in the English Village
There goes the bell the it’s end of the day that means its time to go home
My cousin Gail keeps calling for me I just wish that she’d just leave me alone

My father’s fallen asleep on the chair in the English village
Mother puts a rocket my sister’s hair in the English village
The cricket team is playing on the green the Boy Scouts are tracking on the hill
There’s a girl from our school in Mayfair magazine and the thought of her is making me ill…in a good way

Everything stops at 7 o’clock on the dot in the English Village
We gather round and watch Top of the Pops in the English Village
When my granddad says what’s the matter with him is it a girl or is it a gay?
And grandma says oh shut up Ken if you’ve got nothing better to say

Paper round NME & SOUNDS in the English village
A souped up car speeding in the dark through the English village
Crazy Ian’s untimely end the radio pressed to his ear
They never found the driver; he didn’t come from round here

I left my home and my family in the English village
And my brother in a hillside cemetery in the English village
The council are letting it go to rack and ruin it’s a crying shame
I recognize that man cutting the grass he used to live in Golden Cross Lane…he used to referee at the game didn’t he?

In the English village
In the English village
In the English village
In the English village

Catalogue trousers purchased for me
Through Kays mail-order delivery
My birthday present was bought in a rush
My grandmother said that I looked just like Bobby Crush

They arrived at our house in a couple of days
And everyone said that they fitted OK
I wore them to church and to family dos
They were flared at the knee with a hipster belt loops

I wore them when I first appeared on stage
At the Methodist Youth Hall in Golden Cross Lane
Where my cousin and I were singing The Streets of Laredo
I wore them to school I broke the uniform rule I was trying to be cool I was never that cool still I thought I looked like Peter Gordeno

My mother had two catalogues on the go
She paid at the post office come rain or snow
If the stuff didn’t fit you just could just send it back
And there were no questions, no questions asked

I studied the catalogue at the weekends
When my parents went out visiting friends and I was alone with the house all to myself
Polaroid cameras Mr T cars and all of the girls in their knickers and bras with their delicate parts on display for all and sundry
Catalogue trousers they went their own way

So I got some new Loon pants in a nice shade of charcoal grey
Bought at OASIS in the centre of town where the last of the hippy sunsets went down

I bought my first LP record Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon & Garfunkel from the Catalogue and a Fidelity Music Master record player the whole family loved

Its still there to this day my brother used it when I moved away
It sounds amazing we used to say
Catalogue trousers a long time ago
Noddy and David on the Radio

A bag of nails and a Stanley knife
Some washing up liquid and a copper pipe
Bread and milk and mineral water
Nappies for my baby daughter
Bic razors and shaving cream
TCP mouthwash and Vaseline
A penknife and some Tea Bags
Chocolate frogs n dirty mags
Lifebuoy soap and budgie seed
Pet food and an extension lead
Oranges and new potatoes
Carpet tacks and masking tape
Lemon grass and coriander
Cream eggs and jiffy bags
Milk and honey bread and jam
A birthday card and a tin of spam
I never got caught I or gave it much thought anyway
I count my blessings at the end of every day
Plastic cups and paper plates
Barbecue coal Christmas dates
Plant food joss sticks
Socks and pants and rich tea biscuits
Chimney-stacks and paper planes
Sticky Fingers and Sweet Jane’s
Beatles chords Bowie lines
Since when has steeling been a crime?
I only stole what I needed
Stole what I needed
I only stole what I needed
I only stole what I needed
I only stole what I needed
I only stole what I needed
To get by

I am just an ego centric going about my day thinking about myself
You may see me reading the papers and watching the news espousing my views but don’t be fooled
I am only interested in one thing
I’m on the way to the shops we just ran out milk
I walk past kids dogs tied up and the old man twitching behind his curtain nets
I don’t take any notice of him I just get what I need from the shop and I’m gone so gone
Cause I am only interested in one thing
I may well appear like a well-connected socially responsible member of the human race
But I’ve had years and years and years of putting on a brave face
I spend my days coveting my muse inventing situations sharing other peoples news but
I’m only interested in one thing
And that’s me
That’s me that’s me
Me me me me me me me me me
It’s all about me
Me meeeeeeeee
Me me me me me me
It’s all about me
I’m just an egocentric man

She’d love to be on in radio
She used to live around here I didn’t know
In those days she wasn’t quite as cool as she is now
Got a boyfriend on the TV
A bit of a local celebrity

He did an advert with Johnny Vegas for PG
He was a monkey
I’m talking to a girl at the bar
About how well they finished off her appendix scar
She knew the boy in the platform shoes
Helping himself to his fathers booze
When his dad found out he beat him black n blue
And her mother at the peace campsite
She’s been putting the world to rights
She did what she did for me and you

I’m just talking to the girl at the bar
She loves Jo Malone and the occasional cigar
So do you come here often?
Yes I come here all the time
Do you want something to happen?
Can you read my mind?
Do you want to get wankered?
Yes I like the sound of that
You know it’s been a long time since I had decent

Talking to a girl at the bar
She lost her job as a hairdresser
Determined to have a good time
Now she’s dancing at the tables and knocking back the wine
I leave the bar soon after that
Scrounge a cigarette
Catch the last train home

And I think about the girl that I met
And I try to forget to remember to forget…
The girl that I met
That girl
That girl
That girl

High in the branches of the old pear tree
Over the wall behind the railway line
Up on the roof at the back of the garage
And on the house for sale sign

Big pigeon
Big pigeon

In the hidden corners of my minds eye
Down Coronation Road
My Grandma she says there’s no need to worry
And she knows yes she knows
Yes she knows

A big pigeon
A big pigeon
She knows

I’m digging worms in the foul pen
The world cup finals on TV
Grandma has made the ham sandwiches
Granddad has fallen asleep on the settee

My family comes up for the weekend
We’re singing the wheels on the bus
A little boy spots the pigeon
Strutting its stuff
So I tell him the story
Story of Grandma
And how she’s keeping an eye on us

Big pigeon
Big pigeon

Antony Gormley’s statues impose
Seen on the beach in silent repose
Look out to sea and not far from me in Crosby
Antony Gormley’s men look a treat
Swinging their dicks right down to their feet
Scaring the children and intriguing the lonely the dog walkers

They go
Ooh wee that’s the most incredible penis we ever did see
Ooh wee that’s a fine old sausage but its not very sexy

Antony Gormley just can’t resist
Wrapping himself up in plaster of Paris
His helpers say it’s just another day at the office
Antony Gormley is molding the cast
Takes off his clothes off and he sits in the bath
The lazy the assistants know just how to wrap him up oh yes they do

They go
Ooh wee that’s the most existential penis we ever did see
Ooh wee that’s a fine old sausage but its not very sexy

Antony Gormley’s cock on display
Some of us wish he’d just put it away
But he says no I’ve got something to say to the people
People like you and people like me
People that like to walk by the sea
People in love and people who work in the city

They all sing
Ooh wee that’s the most amazing existential penis I ever did see
Ooh wee that’s a fine old sausage but its not very sexy

Not very sexy
Not very sexy
Not very sexy
Not at all

Tickets sold out gone in a flash
A stage and a coffin draped in a flag
And the band know how to kick ass

The king of pop is dead

I was a fan a fan of his work
But just lately its got so absurd
So where were you when you first heard
That the king of pop was dead?
Tributes poured in from all over the world
Smokey Stevie Martha and the girls
Young children knelt at the foot of his bed say

Now the king of pop is dead
Elvis Toni Ella and Bing
All loved to watch him dance and sing

David George and Elizabeth T knew what a treasure he could be
Some blame the media blame the press
Some blames the hangers on and the fame obsessed
And they all blame the father for the child’s distress

Now the king of pop is dead

The Jarvis incident and the crazy chimpanzee
The peter pan of pop has got his own toy factory
In the never never land of the free now

The king of pop is dead

I’ve seen the footage from the comeback tour
The minister says raw talent so pure
And of course we believe him we believe in him for sure

Now the king of pop is dead
Dead

We killed him
We killed him dead
The king of pop is dead

I gathered up my thoughts I tried to write a song
About a dream I had when I was young
But it sounded like the same old song
I wrote before I wrote this one

Tried to reinvent the past
Get sick to death of doing that
Tried to write about my love
But I got the wrong girl and now I’m all mixed up

Tried to make the words come alive
But they were having none of it
I tried to crush them tried to hold them down
But I was forced to quit

I didn’t get too far
So I went for drive in the old mans car
Never came back to finish the thing
I lost the map and the wedding ring

Now I don’t feel so great
I guess I’m going to have to stop I’m going to have to wait
And If and when I ever recover
I will write you a love song like no other

But for now this one is all I have
Messy words and its missing chords
And sentiments that don’t quite ring true
You deserve better than that of course you do
If the futures made of coal
The past is made of rock and roll gold

And in-between the dream just floats away….
It just floats away
It just floats away
We just float away

The letter arrived out of the blue
Ten years past since I last saw you
My mother handed it to me discreetly
With a look that said be careful it’s from you know who

So I never said a thing not a word to anyone because
I knew what was coming what had to be done
And the Saddest Summer of Samuel S
Was the book she was reading when we first met

I read her letter alone on the bus
I fell under the spell of my first love
In my head I pictured us as we were then
Had I kidded myself that I’d moved on?
There was more of our story to come
So I wrote back and said we can meet up if you want

The saddest summer of Samuel S
Was the book she was reading when we first met
She arrived at the station right on time and said
Lets turn back the clock to 1979

In the pub we held hands and later we kissed
She said you can be Billy & I can be Liz
And for a few brief moments everything felt right
We checked into a hotel later that night

And The Saddest Summer of Samuel S
Was the book she was reading when we first met
We said goodbye in the morning I’ve not seen her since then
I returned to the marriage the kids the friends
Made some excuses and nothing was said
It’s as if the whole thing took place in my head

And there’s a time to remember and a time to forget
A time to shut up and a time to confess

And The Saddest Summer of Samuel S
Was the book she was reading when we first met

They opened a fashion shop
At the end of our road
In 1973
It was called the DooKumInn
Looking for baggies, flares and bomber jackets
We all piled in

Bored teenagers in waiting
Egging each other on
They sold peace patches and stars n stripes
That was the one everybody liked

Ban the bomb CND
Posters of The Osmond’s & David Cassidy
But most of the clothes they were tat
No Wranglers no Levis no Jaytex no Brutus and no class

Then someone got banned for stealing from the shop and soon the DooKumInn became a laughing stock

It only lasted a matter of months and then it was gone forever

The shop was demolished new houses put up and
I gave up my paper round soon after that

My mother worked at Joans Babywear and Wools
In a shop that lasted for years
On the opposite side of the road
Next to the barbers
The Do Kum Inn
Come in do

I had my hair shaved at the back like Terry Hall in 1984
I was waiting at the bus stop heading off to work at the mental hospital
Harrington Jacket, smoking B&H I spent forever in the record shop
It was just another routine summer’s day in Selly Oak

The sun it seemed a little too bright for the sky
Little figurines started to dance in my minds eye
I had a vision I had a vision

I was transfixed and all I could see was a psychedelic wash of light
The cars left pretty trails behind and the road started melting
Like a Salvador Dali painting

A sense of inner harmony and peace took over me
Like I knew what I was here for like I knew what to believe
I had a vision I had a vision

The bus drove by I was on another plain but the plane came down soon after that
I felt like a twat, just sat there, a woman said are you OK?
I said I never felt this good in all my life

So took the day off sick and went to bed in the middle of the afternoon

I had a vision

She’s hanging out with the men in dresses
Evensong and evening classes
A sweet contentment in her eyes
I’m trying hard not to act surprised

Oh yeah Jesus stole my girlfriend
Oh yeah Jesus stole my girl
Oh yeah Jesus stole my girlfriend
And I can’t get her back
And I just want her back…

She’s going off to church on Sunday
The Harvest Festival on Monday
We go to bed but we don’t make love
Cause her thoughts are lost to the one above

I know you’re up there listening
So go ahead and do the decent thing
Perform a little miracle
I must preferred her cynical, miserable, impossible, hysterical, illogical, despicable

Now all I seem to do is mope around the house
Feeling like the antichrist
She says she’s training to be missionary
Or suchlike

Oh what does he care

She needs a man about the house someone who can do a proper job
A sensitive yet sensible example not a helpless good for nothing slob
What good’s a man about the house when all he does is get under your feet
Go to the football and to the pub you can pick one up like that on any street
A broken dream machine that’s way beyond repair
No good to anyone oh how she must despair

She needs a man about the house someone who won’t get under her skin
Tells herself she’s the only one stupid enough to live with him
The only person he loves is himself he never does a blessed thing
Locks himself away inside his room create some idea…berate some idea
One night with Pamela Sigourney or Jennifer
A Harley Davidson trip across America

To get things done around her you might as well do them yourself
In the time that it takes him to think
You could have painted the fence
Wallpapered the living room
You could have fixed that kitchen sink

A broken dream machine that’s way beyond repair
No good to anyone oh how she must despair
One night with Pamela Sigourney or Jennifer
A Harley Davidson trip across America

You can call me Vinny Peculiar but it’s not my real name
I made it up all because my real one is lame
I was born in 57 in the county of Worcestershire
I was raised a Methodist with Jesus in my ear
I went to Sunday school I said my prayers
In teenage makeup and Levi flares
I joined the boys brigade couldn’t wait to leave
I learned to flatter and deceive

I married young and I was happy, happy with my lot
Had a little baby girl I became a baby swot
Bought a house in Birmingham and joined the CND
Travelling by Midland Red to the asylum and the nursery
I went to training school to become a nurse
I saw the sex pistols and the adverts
I swore I loved you then and that I’d never leave
But I’d learned to flatter and deceive

17 years later I’m writing this song
I know now what other people have known all along
The presents and the flowers that I’m sending you today are,
Pitiful excuses from the dad who went away
I’d go to festivals I’d go abroad
I’ve still got Sleeping Gas but not Reward
In this reality I only make believe
Having learned to flatter and deceive

I used to be a feminist I used to be a freak
Sold my sperm for bus fare
I got £15 a week
The jobs as good as yours she said your numbers on the pot
Just abstain the night before and bring us every drop
But don’t expect a helping hand cause we’re strictly DIY
T here’s a pile of magazines next door you’re most welcome to try
We freeze it in a cryostat and you sign your name right here
It’s a brave new world out there she said for a genetic engineer

Sperm Donor

Production and delivery became the weekly norm
I held the pot under my arm to keep the sample warm
In the art of masturbation I truly excelled until
I broke the night before rule once again and got expelled
And sometimes in my darker moments I imagine successes
Kids grown up and questioning paternal second guesses
Campaigning on the TV for the records and the access
With Kilroy finger pointing stage-managing the masses

Sperm Donor…
Money for old rope
It’s funny but it’s no joke
Blood test DNA
Get away

So if you’ve been affected by the issues in this song
I don’t have any answers there is no right from wrong
But should you track me down here then I’m certain come what may
I could never be your father nor could I ever turn you away
No matter where you got your genes or the colours in your hair
There’s a place for you in this world we can never share
And if I’m the one who gave you life by some proximity
I just hope to god you haven’t turned out anything like me…

Sperm Donor
Money for old rope
It’s funny but it’s no joke
Blood test DNA
Get away….

I used to be a feminist I used to be a freak

I’m sitting on top of the world
Holding the hand of a beautiful girl
I’m making the breakfast and cutting the lawn
Talking on the telephone about the day you were born

Sometimes I feel like a king in spite of myself

Meeting my friends out on the town
Getting in late and fooling around
Taping new songs at home in the dark
Taking the kids to the park for a lark about

Sometimes I feel like a king in spite of myself

Reading the papers and watching TV
Listening to John Coltrane Live at the BBC
Shopping for trinkets and for spices
Happily left to my own devices

Sometimes I feel like a king in spite of myself

Looking at the stars lighting up the sky
Holding my breath under water happy to be alive
I’m finishing off The Book of Dave
And listening to The Auteurs – ‘New Wave’

Sometimes I feel like a king in spite of myself

The lazy bohemians
Sat out on the rooftops
Whistling at schoolgirls
Sucking on ice-pops
Those carefree idealists
Doing just as they want to
There’s a room in the attic
For somebody like you

Lazy bohemians
Lazy by design
Can’t get up in the morning
Cant be arsed to go out at night
Talking bout a revolution
Hey man they’re out of sight

The lazy bohemians
Loathe big corporations
And the work ethic wind up
Of past generations
Those shaman in shameless
Pursuit of sensation
Are picking a fight with
My imagination

Lazy bohemians
Good for nothing swine
Picking holes in the system
And towing the establishment line
Talking bout a revolution [hey man they’re out of time]

And all the wanting to be good people turn into those who never would people
And all the happy just to be people turn into you and me people

Get lazy go hazy

The lazy bohemians
Are throwing a party
Everybody’s invited
Don’t worry be happy
If you want to stay over
You are welcome to use my room
I’ll be cooking the dinner
And sleeping late into the afternoon

There’s a sleeping bag in the corner
Yeah just behind the sofa

The lazy bohemians

You said anywhere will do just as long as I’m with you
Just get the tickets just book the room
We can be who we want escape where we’re from
We’ll be back so quick no one will know we’re gone
On the seat of the bus you made me go red
Then finished me off on the hotel bed
I had stars in my eyes you were older and wiser than I was

My dirty weekend
All grown up playing happy pretend
Getting caught out in the end
When I said goodbye I knew that I would never see you again

There were photographs in the drawers of a naked man called David
With a large and flaccid cock cowboy boots and an earring
A spy hole in the wall for the pervert in the hall
I played the gigolo you played the whore
And we painted the town all the usual shades
Holding hands and making promises in the light house rays
I’d put on your makeup you’d put on a show
For the boy in reception before we had to go

And when I woke in a dream like state last night it was as if I was 19 again in Scarborough
My dirty weekend
All grown up playing happy pretend
We’re all caught out in the end
When I said good bye I knew that I would never see you again

I’m in the everlasting teenage bedroom
I play guitar and look into the mirror
Smoke cigarettes and drink cheap beer
Am I the only person in here?

I catalogue my record collection
I’m reading Playboy Mayfair and Forum
I play loud music late into the night

I’m in the everlasting teenage bedroom
And everything’s all right

I have no partner no job no children
And I’m attracted to the politics of freedom
I love my friends I think about them often
And we make plans and someday they’re gonna happen

I’m in the everlasting teenage bedroom
And everything’s all right

And I don’t care for the older generation
I’ve got the whole of my life before me
I’ll make mistakes but I’ll put them behind me
Times on my side and it always will be

In the everlasting teenage bedroom
Everything’s all right

Time’s on my side

I still get nervous at the hairdressers
The girls the gadgets the clippers the sink the apron and the mirror always the mirror
So how do you like it?
Shaped over the ears square at the back
Are you a student a good laugh?
And the radio always the radio

I’ve been to a few salons in my time
I’ve even had them visit me at home
Truth is I’m still looking yearning longing dreaming of that elusive style
To call my own
I still get nervous at the Hairdressers
The girls the gadgets the clippers the sink the apron the water-spray and
The mirror always the mirror

A is for the apple
B is for the ball
C is for the crucifix hung upon the wall
D is for the distance
E for the effect
F it lasts forever
G is as good as it will get
H is for the heroin
I is for an eye
J is for the jugular and
K is keen to die
L is for the loves
M is for the mind
N is just for nobody
O can only find
P is like a parachute
Q is always queer
R is on the radio where the
S’s sneer
T is in temptation
U is underground
V is for the Velvets behind a wall of sound
W won’t trouble you with exerts one by one
Why don’t you do yourself a favour and be GONE
Cut off your ties
Quit while you’re ahead
Remember what Zeberdee said
“Time for Bed”

From here you can see the donkeys
Braided the same as fifty years ago
When I was a lad and my family sat
Amongst the thousands on the sands
As I played

And I remember my dad with his trousers rolled up
And the knotted handkerchief for the sun was hot
As he made his way through the crowds
To buy a tray of tea and sticky buns
As I played

And I remember my mother sitting stiffly in the deckchair
So unused to such enforced relaxation
Knitting frantically throughout the day
The completed vests in a bundle at her feet
As I played

And I remember my sister dreamily looking out to see
Transfixed by growing dreams of being someone
And finding herself unable to join in the social chat
Setting herself apart and sulking in a pretty way
As I played

I remember my brother too old for buckets and spades
But wanting to be a part of it all
And will to scrabble in the sand and build bridges
And wait for the sea to erode and destroy
As I played

But most I remember being with my family
On the beach below me by the donkeys
And for a second I swore I could see all of us
In careless unity, immortal and transient
As I played

Three youths were severely reprimanded by the police for throwing eggs at several houses on the Barley Mow Lane Estate in Catshill at approximately 8.45pm last Friday night. The boys, all in there early teens, were witnessed running at speed from the crime scene by local resident Mr Joseph Sneed, who kindly telephoned this office, after first alerting the police. The youths, all of them local boys, who cannot be named for legal reasons, were instructed to apologize to the home owners and to clean up the mess.

Working man down the club putting the world to rights
A super cockle sub on Tamla Motown nights
Walk the dog around the block put the kids to bed
You’re losing track of time you’re going to fall asleep in the shed

I said goodbye to my generation
I never heard from them again
Not me

Kissing in Jakes Alley throwing arrows into the sky
They all fall down and they land in your eye
Your dinners in the bin its nearly half past there
Not seen you around for a while no you wont remember me

I said goodbye to my generation
I never heard from them again

The new estate is falling down
They don’t build them like they used top
The old boy network didn’t really suit you
Those teenage diaries are better left unread
Miscarriages of justice fester in the head

I said goodbye to my generation
I never heard from them again
Spent all my life running away from…

Easter parade in the village hall the minister for tea
Con men in the pulpit and gangsters on TV
Take a look if you want to take a picture take a holiday
Let me back at the drop of a hat its as if I never went away

I said goodbye to my generation
I never heard from them again
I said goodbye

French kissing with Judy Wood
On a bench opposite the Forest Pub
In 1972
She looked a little bit like you

Judy’s brother died
In a boating accident
Her father hit the bottle
Before he left

Playing crazy golf in Sanders Park
Alice Cooper on TOTP
Signing on and feeling great
Fishing with my brother on the frozen lake

He sold my punk rock records
He wasn’t very well
And still today they talk about big Mel from Catshill

Na, na na na, na na na na na
Na na na, na na na na na

Judy let me feel her up
Cars were hooting as they sped past
The flashing blade and the iron mask
Some local comic in a moped crash

And I dropped out of school
I wished I was a girl
As I listened to the man who sold the world

Na, na na na, na na na na na
Na na na, na na na na na

Working man down the club putting the world to rights
A super cockle sub on Tamla Motown nights
Walk the dog around the block put the kids to bed
You’re losing track of time you’re going to fall asleep in the shed

I said goodbye to my generation
I never heard from them again
Not me

Kissing in Jakes Alley throwing arrows into the sky
They all fall down and they land in your eye
Your dinners in the bin its nearly half past there
Not seen you around for a while no you wont remember me

I said goodbye to my generation
I never heard from them again

The new estate is falling down
They don’t build them like they used top
The old boy network didn’t really suit you
Those teenage diaries are better left unread
Miscarriages of justice fester in the head

I said goodbye to my generation
I never heard from them again
Spent all my life running away from…

Easter parade in the village hall the minister for tea
Con men in the pulpit and gangsters on TV
Take a look if you want to take a picture take a holiday
Let me back at the drop of a hat its as if I never went away

I said goodbye to my generation
I never heard from them again
I said goodbye

French kissing with Judy Wood
On a bench opposite the Forest Pub
In 1972
She looked a little bit like you

Judy’s brother died
In a boating accident
Her father hit the bottle
Before he left

Playing crazy golf in Sanders Park
Alice Cooper on TOTP
Signing on and feeling great
Fishing with my brother on the frozen lake

He sold my punk rock records
He wasn’t very well
And still today they talk about big Mel from Catshill

Na, na na na, na na na na na
Na na na, na na na na na

Judy let me feel her up
Cars were hooting as they sped past
The flashing blade and the iron mask
Some local comic in a moped crash

And I dropped out of school
I wished I was a girl
As I listened to the man who sold the world

Na, na na na, na na na na na
Na na na, na na na na na

I had my hair shaved at the back like Terry Hall in 1984
I was waiting at the bus stop heading off to work at the mental hospital
Harrington Jacket, smoking B&H I spent forever in the record shop
It was just another routine summer’s day in Selly Oak

The sun it seemed a little too bright for the sky
Little figurines started to dance in my minds eye
I had a vision I had a vision

I was transfixed and all I could see was a psychedelic wash of light
The cars left pretty trails behind and the road started melting
Like a Salvador Dali painting

A sense of inner harmony and peace took over me
Like I knew what I was here for like I knew what to believe
I had a vision I had a vision

The bus drove by I was on another plain but the plane came down soon after that
I felt like a twat, just sat there, a woman said are you OK?
I said I never felt this good in all my life

So took the day off sick and went to bed in the middle of the afternoon

I had a vision

Easy going about their business
Colouring in and cutting out pictures
In their underwear reading at bedtime
Holding hands talking in the sunshine
Driving home at the end of the day
Wataching make over shows on on TV
Eating left over food
Other people like me

On the trains on the buses
In the bars and at the matches
In churches laying on hands
In the concert halls listening to bands
Holidays at the end of the year
Take a long walk by the sea
Wear a hat that’s seen better days
Other people like me

You know all there is to know
Things I do places I go
I long for the days of mystery?
How do I delete my history?
I gonna delete my history…
My every availability
My stats and my connectivity

In the pub just over the road
All the kids cant wait to grow up
Is there time at the end of the night
Are we all out of luck?

What are you doing here where are you from?
Said a rat tail girl from Birmingham
In the lemon tree café after school
On the pinball machine I was trying to look cool

Are you some kind of jumble sale freak?
Try looking at people when they speak
Ask what me what are you doing later on
Is there a party and if so can I tag along

Artrockers , me and him
Bowie, Ferry, Roxy and Jim
Cutting up lines like William B
From books we stole from the library

She said I can tell we share the same sign
Can you get me a double vodka and lime?
In the public bar a lonley old creep
Promised to get us fags on the cheap

Beaten up in the city for looking out of place
Beaten down at home the make up on your face
Those cross country cheats never finished the race
They get chucked out of school in disgrace

Art rockers, they’re coming back
We are under the kosh attack attack
The smart kids have taken to wearing more black
Like Howard Devoto are you having a laugh…

We love Andy Warhol and the Talking Heads
Mott the Hoople and Tyranasuras Rex
Any old tat by Peter Blake
And the girl from the advert for Cadburys Flake..

Futurist Cubist Minimalist Purist
Dad ist Surrealist Anachist Fauvist Op Art Pop Art
Working in a record shop art and never knowing when to stop art…

Artrockers, like scratchy guitars
Long legged girls in sticky out bras
Marvel comics and American cars
And the Selby book of the tra la la la’s

Artrockers me and him
Bowie, Ferry, Roxy and Jim
Cutting up lines like William B
From books we stole from the library

Artrockers

The naked sitter in a still life class
She knows there’s more to it than tits n ass
The broken hearted existentialist
He could never figure out how the bigger picture fits

The college cleaner has a PHD
And he talks about form and raw energy
The collected works found in his garden shed
Will be worth a bob or two when he drops down dead

You can call me up to say hello
And tell me what they said about the work on show
And how the panel judges all drive you insane
People have so little talent and they have nothing to say
And how no one really gets it anymore anyway now do they…do they?

Art Thief
We were taken in by you but none of it was true now was it?
Art thief
Do you have nothing left to say its just the price we have to pay to live like this?

Old guns shoot from a replacement hip
They mark your cards give you a split lip
Another day under the microscope
I made a sketch but it wasn’t quite right nope…

The man in the mask has a cunning plan
Says can you can drive the getaway van
Hide out in the sticks cover up your tracks
Catch up on reading Oliver Sacks

And you can call me if you don’t feel well
Or if your body clock has wound you down
And you can hold me close and keep me warm all night
And take me out for a night on the town
Before we go back underground

We were taken in by you but none of it was true now was it?
Art thief
Do you have anything to say / we are going to have to pay to live like this

But first lets travel back in time
To the early 1970’s
Where the madcap laughter tribes meet up with the hippies and the druids…
Forgo the age of reason
To every time a season
A million hippies grieving
For a time they all believed in

Art thief
We were taken in by you but none of it was true now was it?
Art thief
We were taken in by you but none of it was true now was it?
Art thief
Nothing left to say we are going to have to pay to live like this…

Tell me about it…

Confessional therapy weighs a ton Plays long and hard on the memory drum
People close down secrets play dead make a right old mess of the head
Bad poets dull prose Pretty girls on tip toes
In the ballet school over the road do you want to make it in the real world NO
Geraldine under the lights squeezing spots and feeling alright
Initial carvings & heart shaped tattoos AVFC rules

All back to square one/ let go and move on/ all done and all gone, so what and so on

English teacher in the hand made shirts knew every lad from the waist down waiting in changing rooms after the match, be prepared and mind your backs…
I’ve come back to the boy’s brigade to apologize for breaking windows in the old church
And for behaving like a pervert in the rubble with a girl called Sharon Knowles
And for smoking in the toilets at my granddads funeral and stealing cream eggs from the post office
And for never returning the old poets books

All back to square one/ let go and move on/ all done and all gone/so what and so long…

Playing football with my cousins on the rec robbing patches from the fashion shop throwing snowballs, getting chased and hiding in the cabbage patch
With a new boil and poultice on my hormonally challenged thigh
My Grandma wrapping me up in bandages like a war hero
The puss and the blood and pissing my self on the way home from the test match oh how the girls laughed…oh how they laughed
At the railway station hut with the smutty Tit Bits cuttings and the page three stunners…in the fear and longings of adolescence I was useless..

All back to square one/ let go and move on/ all done and all gone, so what and so on and so on and so on…

Tangerine underwear of nubile young mothers flashing above the bridge of thighs
Where we hid and gawped and giggled with joy you naughty boy you naughty boy
Some kids into Northern soul take a change of clothes to the Wigan Casino…that’s Skippy and Deano, and sticky boy evo…

All back to square one/ let go and move on/ all done and all gone, so what and so on and so on and so on…

Christo and Jeanne Claude wrapped up the world
Put a curtain across California
It cut out the sun polarised everyone
I watched a film about it when I was young

Some people loved it some people loathed it
One of those things everybody noticed
Is this really art or are they stark raving mad?
Are we supposed to feel happy or sad?

Australian coastline in polythene and the Gates in Central park
Buckingham Palace in fur and The Whitehouse always kept in the dark…

Christo and Jeanne Claude never accepted donations
Or commissions from Arts institutions
No sponsorship and no advertising
They only sold their original sketches

They did what they did because they had to
They paid their workforce and their taxes
They were genuine artists
And there are so few genuine artists

When they asked Christo what it was all about he said he liked wrapping presents when he was young
And these are my presents he said all wrapped up and shining in the noon day sun

Christo and Jeanne Claude wrapped up the world…ooohh

The old war memorial still looks the same
Opposite the dairy on the corner of meadow lane
A place where we grew a place to be young
The place where we threw up when we were drunk

It was something and nothing
Something and nothing
Something and nothing
Something and nothing
But it meant everything to me…

I take my children on my old paper round
Little things they do make me feel proud
Tell them the story of the cigarette factory
And how I watched it burn down in 1970

It was something and nothing
Something and nothing
Something and nothing
Something and nothing
But it meant everything to me…

I haven’t seen you in a long time
People tell me you’re doing fine
Perhaps in the future when the time is right
We can start all over again wouldn’t that be nice..

It’s just something and nothing
Something and nothing
Something and nothing
Something and nothing
But it means everything to me

It’s only something and nothing

I’m sitting on top of the world
Holding the hand of a beautiful girl
I’m making the breakfast and cutting the lawn
Talking on the telephone about the day you were born

Sometimes I feel like a king in spite of myself

Meeting my friends out on the town
Getting in late and fooling around
Taping new songs at home in the dark
Taking the kids to the park for a lark about

Sometimes I feel like a king in spite of myself

Reading the papers and watching TV
Listening to John Coltrane Live at the BBC
Shopping for trinkets and for spices
Happily left to my own devices

Sometimes I feel like a king in spite of myself

Looking at the stars lighting up the sky
Holding my breath under water happy to be alive
I’m finishing off The Book of Dave
And listening to The Auteurs – ‘New Wave’

Sometimes I feel like a king in spite of myself

The lazy public sector workers
Loitering at fire drill
Dedicated skivers one and all
Alas their failings are not their own
It’s such a big organisation and all they ever do is moan

Gossip in the office meetings in the basement
I know exactly what you’re doing
Girl in a mini skirt she’s such an awful flirt
You used to dream of screwing her but…

Not anymore
Once your foot gets stuck in the door
They will return you like an ugly fish
Into the toxic water

All those years at the bottom of the lake
Riding the spinners and dodging the bike
But oh to be eaten to be eaten by a pike…

Still we forgive them all… for doing their bit
At the end of your time it’s what you get for it
A pension scheme and a caravan in New Brighton
Sporting a beard and keeping your head down

But the new boss says she’s aching for change
But the new team spirit is exactly the same
At the by-line marking time
Checking the cricket in the summertime
Kid’s ok cars running fine

A lazy public sector worker
Knee deep in statistics and tweed
Hanging on to a job you hate by the skin of your teeth

In the end the scrap heap feels like just deserts
You go quietly and tell yourself it could have been worse
Yeah it could have been worse…

Sitting at the desk looking into space
You’ll never have slave written on your face
Staring at the screen fiddling with a pen
Talking to the cleaner and the security man

Success…success

What has become of me
I’m on fire and I’m on tv
I’m on the cover of a magazine
In the spotlight if you know what I mean…
A success

My hobby became my job
I might even earn a few bob
Nice work I can get it
This is my time and don’t you forget it
My success

Nobody said it was gonna be easy…

And I’ve been waiting all my life for this
I always knew my time would come
Today’s the day I take a bough
I don’t care about tomorrow…
You can call me fickle you can call me shallow…

Nobody said it was gonna be easy…

And when the time is done
And there’s nothing left that’s any use for anyone
I’ll live on in your history
Like Bukowski

Nobody said it was gonna be easy…

Just the other day I started bleeding
From the palms of my hands
Perhaps I’m Jesus after all
Perhaps he’s Jesus after all

I hope I die before I fall
Out of favour with the mirror ball…

You wear me out I’ll wear you in
Don’t get too fat don’t get too thin
You fit so well I won’t take you off
Now I am found no longer lost
My point of view was never clear
My new beginning starts right here
I swear I was a living ghost
Until you gave me what I needed most

My Uniform
My Uniform
My brand new uniform

I stood for nothing until you spoke
About belonging to the club [I used to think you were a joke…]
I do exactly what I’m told
I have a function I have a role
I know my fate I know my foes
I know pleasure of putting creases in my clothes
The outside world don’t stand a chance
You call the tune and I will dance

My Uniform
My Uniform
My brand new uniform

Maintain a distance I play it cool
Feels like going back to school
I have a new identity
Thank you for coming to rescue me
To be the best dismiss the rest
With flying colours on every test
To keep the peace maintain the norm
I will comply I will conform

My Uniform
My Uniform
My brand new uniform

Take this bed of roses
And make a crown of thorns
Take me to the dreamers
File uncomplicated norms
Wish away the hours
Until we meet again
Share those pretty secrets
Hold your breath and count to ten

Borrow my reflection
Bottle me in tears
Meet me in the same place
In god knows how many years
Shine a light upon me
When the darkness comes
My fingers are bleeding
And my heartbeat drums

Actions speak louder than thoughts

Follow my career
Into the abyss
Listen to my voice
And regard it like a kiss
Wrap your thoughts around me
As I whisper your name
Picture me in solitude
Walking in the rain

Actions speak louder than thought

You need to lose your innocence
Before you dye your hair
It’s a question of attitude
And we no longer care
We dress how we want to
Up to the nines
We say no to the sartorial conspiracy
Of modern times

To hell with fashion
To hell with the setting trends
To hell with fashion
To hell with all your stupid friends

Look at the models
All as thin as rakes
They are dying on catwalks
Of self loathing and self hate
On the magazine covers
A concentration camp teen
Is making a gesture
That’s truly obscene

To hell with fashion
To hell with the vetting trends
To hell with fashion
To hell with all your stupid friends

To hell with fashion…

Pout on parade
Hip boys and it girls
Fantasy figures
In a reality world
A sweat shop monopoly
For the corporate creep
Kinder-whore pathology
Or heroin chic

To hell with fashion
To hell with the letting trends
Dictate your passion
To hell with all your stupid friends
To hell with money
To hell with fame
To hell with celebrity
To hell with the brand and the brand name

To hell with fashion…

I drive in I park up –
I walk to the office I switch on stuff
I read emails I write letters
I eat biscuits and I drink coffee

I go out for a walk –
I see a friend and we talk
About the past and how it’s all changed
About the future and how it’s really just the same

I go back to my job
I smile at the the boss
I type into the machine
I drift away into a day dream

When it’s time to go
I put away my stuff
Walk back to the car
Drive home listen to some Big Star

When I get in
I put the kettle on
Feed the dog and watch TV
Make a drink and cook the tea
Go to bed and fall asleep

In the middle of the night
Holding on for dear life
I am woken by the April rain
I fall back to sleep again and again and again…

The next day is Saturday
I don’t have to go to work
I watch the football on the tv
Sit in the garden
Listening to the birds

Dear Florence…

Accidents will happen/you know how it is
No one expects to/End up like this

On a platform with some big wigs/From the dear old RCN
A room full of applause/And a dodgy PA system

It’s nurse of the year
Nurse of the year
I’d like to thank all of those people who put me here
No one expected me to win
When they put my name forward they were joking…

Before the award I was running a muck sic
I was disciplined by management/ riding my luck
A student in the broom cupboard messing with my head
Idiots in the mortuary/cutting corners on the bed/ pretending to be dead

It’s nurse of the year
Nurse of the year
Still I’d like to thank all of those people who put me here
No one expected me to win
When they put my name forward they were joking…

What will become of me?
Said the woeful dreamer
To the practical thinker

Whatever will be will be
Said the plain speaker
We’re just sailing down a river

Women and men
Women and men
Women and men

How do you know for sure?
If you’ve made the right choices
Listened to the right voices

Good people turn into bad
The pursuit of happiness
Will only make you sad

Women and men
Women and men
Women and men

Is there anything I can do to help?
Said the easy listener
To the anxious stranger

Trying too hard to explain your self?
Going round in circles
Skirting every danger

Women and men
Women and men
Women and men

What will become of us?
I have no real idea
I’m just happy to be here

Is our love divine or a sin
When’s it going to end?
How did it begin?

Women and men
Women and men

Talk about Venus and Mars
Handbags and shoes
Football and fast cars

But the pigeon holes don’t quite fit
And there’s nothing we can do?
Nothing we can do?

Vinny Peculiar is dead
Vinny Peculiar is dead
Left a gaping hole in the heart
And a stolen dream in the head
In search of the obvious line
That never delivers in time
Of poignancy tinged with regret
And things you prefer to forget
And now he’s gone forever
And now he’s gone forever

VP is dead
VP is dead
Gone to a place far away
Where it rains everyday
Contracted a mystery curse
Between chorus and verse
He died and he’s not coming back
He died cleaning the sink and the bath
And now he’s gone forever
And now he’s gone forever

You can keep you manikins and your daises and your safety pins
And you can wear that bloody shirt and you can swear and you can hurt
And you can swim in every sea and bury every piece of me
And you can fail and you can try and you can live as we all must die
As we all must die as we all must die

Death becomes us death be good
Death behaves the way it should
Death be certain death be sure of everything you never were

He died in next to no time
He died buying flowers for women
He died making small talk to colleagues
He died drinking wine in the evenings
He died with blood on his shirt
He died so nobody would get hurt
He died in spite of the living
He died without ever forgiving

And now he’s gone forever

There’s a jumble sale in the head
There’s a girl and there’s a ghost
There’s a light and there’s a dark street up ahead…
There’s a drug perhaps I’ll take it
There’s a love perhaps I’ll fake it
There’s a tomb laid out for me
I’m coming home soon
I will be free
I will be ME…

My secrets safe but not for long
So many ways it can all go wrong
You are a victim of what I’ve become
I didn’t mean anything it was just a bit of fun

The duty officers away on call
There’s a room we can use a way down the hall
Where I can give you each and everything
My expertise becomes your suffering

And we’re not supposed to get involved
With clients that we see
But we both know there’s more to this than tea and sympathy

So kiss me I’m a social worker
Kiss me and I’ll let you down
Like all the other good for nothing
Muppets in this town
So take a long hard look around..

Desperation is a dangerous game
I just kept my nose clean I did my own ironing
No one suspected and nobody found out
What I was up to what I was really all about

The badge I wore at interview was ugly and depraved
You might as well go to hell as dream of being saved

So kiss me I’m a social worker
Kiss me and I’ll let you down
Like all the other good for nothing
Muppets in this town
So take a long hard look around..

They turned on all the screws and kept me in the cells all night
But they never found a body
The local authority reinstated me now every things alright
Everything’s alright

So kiss me I’m a social worker
Kiss me and I’ll let you down
Like all the other good for nothing
Muppets in this town
So take a long hard look around..

I’m gong down…kiss me

I’d like to put these thoughts to bed
But they keep a tape loop running through my head
I dream in storm clouds and tornadoes
You live for sunshine and for rainbows

And I’m not going somewhere hot
No beach idyll no pretty spot
I threw the brochures all away
That’s not the answer I hear you say

Got SAD bad weather psychology
The last thing you need from me
And when the summer comes
That’s when the sickness just runs away with me

I see your face in a frozen windscreen
And carve your name in snow
The winter nights are drawing in now
But my improvements way too slow

You wear a swimsuit in the rain
I put umbrellas up indoors
You dream about the great escape
Get stuck inside revolving doors

Got SAD no will power no energy
All change personality
And when the winter comes
That’s when the sickness just runs away from me

Got SAD bad weather psychology
The last thing you need to see
And when the summer comes
That’s when the sickness just runs away with me

It’s too late for holy smoke
Too late to get the joke
Too late to write a note you’ll never read
It’s too late to go back to school
Too late to break the golden rule
It’s too late to let you know how I feel
Too late

It’s too late to be awake
Too late to self medicate
Too late to stay up half the night
It’s too late to do my bit
Too late to make the words all fit
Too late to put up a fight
Too late

It’s too late to live alone
Too late to answer the phone
Too late to seek guidance from above
It’s too late to feel just fine
Too late to make excuses all the time
Too late to send you all my love
It’s too late

It’s too late for everything to stop
Too late for me to shut the shop
Too late to let it all fade away
It’s too late to take exams
Too late to change my plans
Too late to call it a day
Too late

It’s too late to make amends
To late for us be friends
Too late to write a song that never ends
Too late to say goodbye
Too late for me to cry
Too late to ever ask me why

Too late

He works a job five days a week
He’s not brave enough to turn the other cheek
When he gets home he locks the door
And beats those pretty little rhythms on the floor

The happiest man in the world

Not scared to shop he loves to spend
Money on his longstanding best friend
The cinema the Sky TV
Save a little extra go on holiday

The happiest man in the world

Do you want to know his secret
Do you promise not to tell
No place reserved in heaven
No ticket straight to hell
No happy ever after
No sacred place oh no
So just lets make the best of it
Before it’s time to go

A fragile heart is gagged and bound
Ordinary life without a sound
The worried well all disappear
Nothing out of place nothing to fear

His face befits hers like a glove
He’ll never leave because he in love
Taking one day at a time
Knowing everything will turn out fine

The happiest man in the world
Will go to the ends of the earth
Each one just the same
So stupid and vain
And oh so richly deserved

The happiest man in the world

Song for the dead
Ringing in my ears
The fantasies a final breath
That brings us all to tears
Song for the death of happiness

Song for the dead
A pop star mausoleum
I wish caught them when I had a chance
To go and see them
Song for the death of happiness

They claimed to understand what you went through
I left it all too late like I always do
Still Nevermind was never really you

Song for the dead
A life time’s celebration
A record sleeve on an unmade bed
Looks back in indignation
Song for the death of happiness

Song for the dead
Song for the dead
Song for the death of happiness

The lazy bohemians
Sat out on the rooftops
Whistling at schoolgirls
Sucking on ice-pops
Those carefree idealists
Doing just as they want to
There’s a room in the attic
For somebody like you

Lazy bohemians
Lazy by design
Can’t get up in the morning
Cant be arsed to go out at night
Talking bout a revolution
Hey man they’re out of sight

The lazy bohemians
Loathe big corporations
And the work ethic wind up
Of past generations
Those shaman in shameless
Pursuit of sensation
Are picking a fight with
My imagination

Lazy bohemians
Good for nothing swine
Picking holes in the system
And towing the establishment line
Talking bout a revolution [hey man they’re out of time]

And all the wanting to be good people turn into those who never would people
And all the happy just to be people turn into you and me people

Get lazy go hazy

The lazy bohemians
Are throwing a party
Everybody’s invited
Don’t worry be happy
If you want to stay over
You are welcome to use my room
I’ll be cooking the dinner
And sleeping late into the afternoon

There’s a sleeping bag in the corner
Yeah just behind the sofa

The lazy bohemians

I always liked the idea better than the work
Sometimes when a piece is realized
There is an inevitable sense of disappointment
The same can be said for my record collection

Many I’ve acquired specifically for the artwork or the titles
And many remain un-listened to
Which brings me to my present dilemma?
Of writing words

I need to find words that sit still and do not wave their knickers I the air
Most times the words come first but not this
This time the words have taken a vacation
To some place bereft of modern communication

The telephone comes to mind
As I imagine the soul of Richard Braugtigan
Famed incinerator of telephones
Stalking me like a ghost

I am not opposed to the yes word on the gallery ceiling
Nor to the basketballs drowned in piss
I have remained silent in felt covered rooms
And marveled at the seat of the pop artist

You’d thing that would be enough
To do the job at hand but
I always liked the idea better than the work

And that’s how I got to where I am today
Looking for the words I’ll never say

From the top of the tree to the back of the class
Perhaps I should get off my cloud and ask
Someone for directions someone for advice
Cause I’m not very clever and I’m not very nice

I seem to be making the same old mistakes
Like driving a car without any brakes
I did as I wanted I must have been mad
Now I’m being punished I deserve to be sad

I’m walking the streets it’s pouring with rain
I’m watching batman up there on the crane
People are waving and cheering him on
Waiting and watching the drama to come

The megaphones blaring a police siren wails
He’s got himself handcuffed to the rails
He screams into the void ‘I miss my two girls’
Do you have any idea how much this hurts?

[Chorus]

I could have been batman and stuck to my gun
I could have protested and I could have won
But I’m useless at fighting and I’m not that strong
But I can only bury my heart for so long

Three days later they take him away
And the city blurs into just another day
I join fathers for justice even though it’s too late
I write letters and postcards and wait

Some weeks later I uncover these words
Nothing has changed everything hurts
I go back at the job and grinding out time
It’s the end of the day and the end of the line

I could have been batman and stuck to my gun
I could have protested and I could have won
But I’m useless at fighting and I’m not that strong
But I can only bury my heart for so long

Here’s to the good and the great
Working class escape
For some of us will make it
Most of us just fake it
I’ve been here before
And I am no exception
I simply failed to learn
The nature of rejection
All settled down with a mortgage and baby
Quality time is driving you crazy
She’s had enough and she can’t understand you
And god forbid if she did what would you do
Here’s to a giant leap of faith
A working class escape
For some of us will out grow it
Most of us just blow it
We’ve been here before
And we deserve much better
But sods a stupid law
And love a sweet oppressor

The man who couldn’t enjoy himself was stuck to the guns of his father
Walking on by with fear in his eye and a tear on the face of his partner
Oooh nothing was going on
Oooh nothing he could quite bare to put a finger on

The man who couldn’t enjoy himself broke down in the presence of beauty
The world on his shoulders the cross on his back he was dragging himself to the party
Oooh nothing was going on
Oooh nothing he could quite bare to put a finger on

Uno disco
Bobbing around in a freak show
Chasing a beautiful rainbow
He says come on
Come out and have some fun

The man who couldn’t admit to himself that the game was as good as all over
Stood naked and alone before an ugly bedroom mirror
Oooh something was going on
Happiness is just a mind set
I haven’t manage to find yet
I’ve got a thousand and one things to do
And I can’t enjoy myself the way you do…

Uno disco…

I recall the characters you wore and the clothes that you stole
Name dropping John-Paul Sartre
You were greeted with such laughter
As you dug your own hole

And I remember the curtains the curtains as they closed
The mattress on the floor and the quote from On the Road

This half is not whole
This heart is cold
Ironing the soul

I forget tomorrow I recall today I made a stupid phone call but I’m 20 years away
As the shadow man comes a calling
Soap opera’s make you cry
There’s everything and nothing left here for you to try

Ironing the soul

It’s showcase time and you’re the spotlight kid
All the people in the house they say they’re really hungry for it
But you’ve been here before and you feel like a fake
Getting sick and tired of dreaming of that lucky break

But the show goes well important people want to shake your hand
You don’t know what to say when they talk about supply and demand
They say they love what you do and they’re too cute and so polite
And they tell you now for sure you’ve got it absolutely right

You tell your girlfriend when you get she says well done
You tell your self that the stupid game you’ve been playing has been won

But as the weeks go by you’re still waiting for that call
Your manager is hopeful but so far he’s got absolutely nowhere at all
I guess that’s the way it goes just like pissing in a lake
And you’re sick and tired of dreaming
And you’re sick and tired of dreaming
Sick and tired of dreaming of that lucky break

A friend of mine called me up the other day he said what are you going to do?
I said there’s another showcase coming off pretty soon
And then he said to me
It’s going to happen
It’s going to happen
I just know its.

Big star diving through the neighborhood at twilight
Looking through the window of the limousine
Eating fancy chocolates and ice cream

Big star congratulations now you’re a success
In the coffee bars and cinemas they’re dreaming no less
And wishing they were you

Big star signing autographs and making eyes
Touching simple ordinary lives
What anyone who’s anyone would give to take that..

Big Star cut off from the chaos and confusion
If fame were such a grand illusion
Why are we rejoicing in your cause?

Big star signing autographs and making eyes
Touching simple ordinary lives
What anyone who’s anyone would give to take that..

Celebrity’s a bore
Don’t tell us you don’t need us anymore
You showed us what to do
We fell in love with you
Setting our hearts aflame
With such ill gotten gain
Believing every lie
Now’s not the time to say goodbye

Royal Variety Talk of the Town
You’re on top of the world so don’t let us down…

What’s on TV just a load of old rubbish?
Still I can’t really see without my glasses
We love Dr Who but it’s time to grow up now
I’ve got so much to do with so little know how

Watching a slow television

Talk shows are trite and the pop presenters are wacky
The weather girls all look the same and the sports announcer is tacky
We love Forrest Rangers but we no longer get them
I got a taste for nostalgia and it’s a running away…away with me again

Watch a slow television
And there’s no intermission

You spend all your life channel hopping
From one station to the next
With your concentration span fading
Is this as good as it gets

Watching a slow television
And there’s no intermission

What’s on TV just a load of old rubbish
Still I can’t really see without my glasses

She’s hanging out with the men in dresses
Evensong and evening classes
A sweet contentment in her eyes
I’m trying hard not to act surprised

Oh yeah Jesus stole my girlfriend
Oh yeah Jesus stole my girl
Oh yeah Jesus stole my girlfriend
And I can’t get her back
And I just want her back…

She’s going off to church on Sunday
The Harvest Festival on Monday
We go to bed but we don’t make love
Cause her thoughts are lost to the one above

I know you’re up there listening
So go ahead and do the decent thing
Perform a little miracle
I must preferred her cynical, miserable, impossible, hysterical, illogical, despicable

Now all I seem to do is mope around the house
Feeling like the antichrist
She says she’s training to be missionary
Or suchlike

Oh what does he care

You are my capital city
I’ve become so patriotic
You are my London pose
But I’m feeling so neurotic

Comes to us once or twice
Often in our dreams at night
Reality sandwiches bite
And make this one a useless fight

I’ll get better in a week or two
Sleep through the night
Write a letter tell you something new
As the cat goes hungry and
The dog looks blue

I’ll get better in a week or two
See if I might
Write a letter tell you something new
Like the flies have taken over
The metros gone to Rover
The floors in need of sweeping and my tears in need of weeping
Yeah…

You are my Disney movie
The one I can’t forget
You are a game of pontoon
And you stick you wont regret

You are a rubber truncheon
I’ll keep you in my pants
No longer meat for luncheon
Nice thought but no thanks

I’ll get better in a week or two…

A benevolent provider
Pats you on the back
Then sends out a reminder of
What is working well and what it is you lack

The considerate commissioner
Wants to help you out
With a baby-sitting crochet knitting
Woman who has never been in doubt

In sixes and in sevens
You are nervous you are sick
And the meeting lasts forever and ever and ever
Your challenging behaviour
Wont save you from the places they can take you
They can make you
Convinced that they can break you

How come the revolution
How come
How come the revolution
My son?

Police sirens and white coats
Daffodils and milk floats
The pear tree and the five pronged fork
You hold on tight refuse to talk

And a place of safety order
Is the best that they can do
To stifle all conviction
They haven’t got a clue

How come the revolution…

Girl cries wolf and the boy cries please
He begged her stop on bended knees
His heartbeat fell in silence as in movie
The girl made up and the boy dressed down
Paint despair all over town
And nothing’s as it seems or as it should be

So shy like its some kind of test

The girl cries help and the boy can’t hear
It’s a heady kind of atmosphere
Where reason has no rhyme to disappear in

The girl can’t stop and the boy can’t think
The relatives all turned to drink
And no one keeps ahead of what they’re stealing

There was a time when all you did
Was opting out and staying hid
But something has to give before it’s taken

You promised me you’d fixed the race
Threw it all back in my face
You push me out of place I’ll feeling shaken

So shy like its some kind of test..
You try not to be like all the rest
Still I’m oh so terribly impressed
My favourite boy-girl sonCount your blessings well
Name them one by one
It’s so hard to tell
Whichever side you’re on…

And me too proud to sing along
Oh sing along

I had an operation when I was just a lad
They removed my heart that’s why I can’t feel happy or sad
And nobody believes me, nobody understands
When I stamp my feet
I really mean to clap my hands

I had a beautiful girlfriend but love died
I felt no pain I never cried
And nobody believes me nobody wants to know

The nurses look impressive in their snow white nylon dresses as the lights go down
The Dr’s dehydrated the orderly frustrated as the tea comes round
Are you one of them or one of us do you drive a car or take the bus have you come to fix the lights or check the drugs, that kill imagination

Damn the operation…

They put me back under the knife when I was a man
To take away my mind was their plan
And nobody can tell me the exact time or the place
But I still dream of the theatre and I know that look on the surgeons face

Damn the operation…

I want a brother and I want my dog and I want to look at the ocean blue
I want a lover and I want a god and I want to feel some emotion with you

On the outside looking in at the Big Grey Hospital
An old man fingers through the paper
Nobody understands his maker
Along the polished corridor
They led you straight into seclusion
They said this boy’s in need of treatment
Could be a paranoid delusion

And you can visit when you want to
When the staff say it’s convenient
The doctor says the illness
Is none specific but they’re looking hard for it

And on the inside looking out from the big grey hospital
Watching the nurses as they float
From ward to ward in their white coats
In the summer of 83
Me and my really crazy family
Changing a baby in the day room
Glued to the TV every afternoon

And you can visit when you want to
Any time that it’s convenient
Thanks for the history and the insight
Pretty soon we’ll get the drugs right

You see the shape of this cold fist
In the frozen early morning air
Held it up against the sky
Lets walk and talk and laugh and cry

Back in the quiet side of town
We recognize that boys brigade band sound
Could have been a drummer of a comic
What is and what is not ironic

And you can visit if you want to
There is a WRVS shop
Down the corridor by D block
Just ask somebody if you get lost

Sat all alone in a side room
It’s no good staring into space
And for all tomorrows birthdays
The ward sister says no change

Suppose you make a rug or tray
Those OT helpers all sugar and spice
Hand rolling cigarettes to save
Of cause the benefits have been delayed

You go to therapy at nine
Back to the ward for mealtimes
Some of the patients go berserk
Soon they get treated by a nurse

Time out is quiet and its safe
You get wrapped up unconscious finally you wake
And in the dormitory alone
You hear the ringing of the office telephone

And you can visit when you want to
Anytime just call beforehand
The injection is two weekly
Those tranquillizers make you sleepy
They make you sick they make you creepy…

I want a brother and I want my dog and I want to look at the ocean blue
I want a lover and I want a god and I want to feel some emotion with you

On the inside looking out
On the outside looking in
At the loony’s in the bin
Its not me or you its him
In the Big Grey Hospital

I work 4 GOD the one who lives on high
In a big white mansion in the sky
Answering the prayers on his behalf
There’s a team of us and sometimes it’s a laugh

But no matter how hard the people pray
There is nothing we can do to save the day
Still they keep on coming back for more
Even though every request we just ignore

Heavenly father how come you’re not at home
I travelled the earth from Mecca to Rome

Meanwhile GOD entertains the chosen few
That’s the angels to me you
The ones that died so pretty and so young
But he’s ancient and he’s not a lot of fun

And the rest of us all just sit around
Wishing we had jobs in hell
But they’re oh so fussy who they let in
You need hands on experience of mortal sin

Heavenly father how come you’re not at home?
I travelled the earth from Mecca to Rome
Just give me a sign and I’ll leave you alone
Return my calls on your celestial phone

I no longer work for him upstairs
I had enough of his sanctimonious glares
I came back down to earth looking to retire
Like Peter Falk in the Wings of DesireI met a girl who swept me off my feet
I met a girl who broke my angel heart
I met a girl who thought she was Jesus Christ [oh no!]
And how she suffered for her art….

I used to be a feminist I used to be a freak
Sold my sperm for bus fareI got £15 a week
The jobs as good as yours she said your numbers on the pot
Just abstain the night before and bring us every drop
But don’t expect a helping hand cause we’re strictly DIY
T here’s a pile of magazines next door you’re most welcome to try
We freeze it in a cryostat and you sign your name right here
It’s a brave new world out there she said for a genetic engineer

Sperm Donor

Production and delivery became the weekly norm
I held the pot under my arm to keep the sample warm
In the art of masturbation I truly excelled until
I broke the night before rule once again and got expelledAnd sometimes in my darker moments I imagine successes
Kids grown up and questioning paternal second guesses
Campaigning on the TV for the records and the access
With Kilroy finger pointing stage-managing the masses

Sperm Donor…
Money for old rope
It’s funny but it’s no joke
Blood test DNA
Get away

So if you’ve been affected by the issues in this song
I don’t have any answers there is no right from wrong
But should you track me down here then I’m certain come what may
I could never be your father nor could I ever turn you away
No matter where you got your genes or the colours in your hair
There’s a place for you in this world we can never share
And if I’m the one who gave you life by some proximity
I just hope to god you haven’t turned out anything like me…

Sperm Donor
Money for old rope
It’s funny but it’s no joke
Blood test DNA
Get away….

I used to be a feminist I used to be a freak

I’m in the everlasting teenage bedroom
I play guitar and look into the mirror
Smoke cigarettes and drink cheap beer
Am I the only person in here?

I catalogue my record collection
I’m reading Playboy Mayfair and Forum
I play loud music late into the night

I’m in the everlasting teenage bedroom
And everything’s all right

I have no partner no job no children
And I’m attracted to the politics of freedom
I love my friends I think about them often
And we make plans and someday they’re gonna happen

I’m in the everlasting teenage bedroom
And everything’s all right

And I don’t care for the older generation
I’ve got the whole of my life before me
I’ll make mistakes but I’ll put them behind me
Times on my side and it always will be

In the everlasting teenage bedroom
Everything’s all right

Time’s on my side

We tried to drown our music teacher in 1974
He stayed behind to cover swimming club for the absent Mr Law
We planned out every detail and then we locked the door
Held him down underneath the water we thought he was a gonna for sure
His crime was a blanket dismissal of popular music in school
He had no time for TREX or David Bowie and his persona was simply un-cool
He was strictly a man of the classics which of course is a cardinal sin
And he never let us bring our records in
He had it coming to him…In the end it was only our word against his
No body confessed
Nobody was that stupid
Years later I hear he’s still there but his attitude has changed
And I’d like to take a little of the credit for the appreciation gained
Now the kids can listen to what they want to their own music in school
But he no longer covers lessons in the swimming pool

Graffiti artist of my youth
I remember the day
You covered the village
In paint spray
Woke up one morning
What did I see ?
On every available property
Such beautiful anarchy
It was as if you’d gone and done it for me
On the war memorial, the science block
From Wildmoor Lane on to the Dock
School greenhouse recreation ground
On the signposts where the village meets the town
Root Mull
The teachers were outraged
And the parents dumbstruck
They said how do people
Get away with this stuff
My dad says it’s hopeless we should just
Lock ‘em up
It’ll take forever for the council to clean up
Nobody knew just what it meant
We assumed there was some kind of sexual bent
No headmaster’s announcements no police involved
It’s one of those mysteries that will never be solved
On the scout hut and the paper shop
On the phone box by the new Co-op
The library and the caravan
On the butcher ladies delivery van

Root Mull

It only seems like yesterday
When I threw my big job away
As captain of the cricket team
The derby match on Saturday
The night before was party time
And dressed up like our mothers
We shared a bed and wore the red
Felt like the bewley brothers
And we didn’t paint our nails
When we fought the Germans
We didn’t paint our nails when we went to war
We didn’t understand the sanctity of heroes
And none of us play cricket anymore
When George Mills said enough’s enough
And uttered those immortal lines
I felt like betrayed myself
But at the very same time
The let down was the first of many
Acts of cheap conspiracy
Whilst obsessing over memory
I’m engineering an apology
Cause we didn’t paint our nails
When we fought the Germans
We didn’t paint our nails when we went to war
We didn’t understand the sanctity of heroes
And none of us play cricket anymore
I recall old George drunk on the high street
Shouting abuse at the passers by
Now that’s what you call a fall from grace
That’s enough to make a grown man cry
And we didn’t paint our nails etc . . .

Replica shirt just put me on
Wear me with pride call me your son
I’ve been away away for too long
Now I’ve come back to where I belongSo come the weekend we’ll go to the game
The same as before
And we’ll get up close to your uncles ghost
When the Villa scoreCome and join the congregation
Worship at the shrine
Come and take your place amongst the fans who wait in line
An action replay from the dim and distant past
We’re making every moment last forever

Forever…
and ever…
Replica shirt not just a fad
You be the girl I’ll be the Dad
It’s your first time but it wont be your last
In years to come you will be back
So when I drop you off at the end of the street
Where the shadows fall
You can go to your bed and lay down your head
And dream about football
Come and join the congregation

I saw your beautiful picture
In a book on modern art
And I tried to write a song in vain to fix a broken heart
I took you at face value without ambiguity
As if you’d written on that photograph for me
I’m 2 sad 2 tell U
I’m 2 sad 2 tell U
I’m 2 sad
It says here in the caption
How you wanted to explore
The pain of isolation
The divide between us all
Is an image just an image
What do we really feel
Other peoples sorrow
Imagined or for real
I’m 2 sad 2 tell U
I’m 2 sad 2 tell U
I’m 2 sad
In search of the miraculous
You set sail from cape cod
For a voyage across the ocean
In a tiny little yacht
But your boat capsized and you were never ever seen again

I was born and I was long
My mother she was strong
But my father slept right through on the settee
And as the story goes
A safety pin stuck through my nose
In the winter of 1963
At 6 I did my best
For the good folks at the church
On the Sunday school anniversary
At 12 I wrote a story
Called it love and death and glory
And by then it was 1970
At 16 I left school
Not because I was a fool
More because I was afraid of my own shadow
I bought acne cream in jars
I never went to bars
But I played a lot of Frisbee on the meadow
At 21 I wed
On the rebound it was said
And we bought a little house in the city
At the age of 22
Reading up on sniffin glue
Where the vacancies were always so pretty
At the age of 24
There’s a knock comes on my door
From a man giving bibles away
So I punch him in the face
Then I help him with his case
And I invite him to stay I’m 24….
There’s so much more….

Someone said to me
You should write a song
Call it the abortion
I said OK I’ll try
But I best proceed
With the necessary caution
May day Digbeth Civic Hall
Our backs against the wall
Revolutionaries scheming
Partitions getting signed
Spot the wanker going blind
From too much punk rock dreaming
It’s every woman’s right to choose
And every man I know is
Devoted to her language
Gender wars are just a front
For a darker ruling force
Oppressing working classes
Hey you, Mr secretive and blue
There’s a man talking to you
Says you need redeeming
He’s got Marxism today
Says the music’s had its day
And still the punk rock dreaming
Cause there’s a stake inside your heart
For every amateur upstart
Who refuses to stop screaming When your head starts to explode
From something else to so it goes
It’s just the punk rock dreaming

The 2 fat lovers are smoking in silence
They stand apart they gaze into the distance
They could be young but most probably older
They could be looking over your shoulder

They work together here in this building
And they’re not going anywhere
And if they’re happy they don’t ever show it
No gym club membership no weight watchers and no keep fit
For the 2 fat lovers…

He reads a magazine and she reads the echo
They look not unlike a biblical tableau
Will they get married and live close by?
Will they have babies grow old and die?

They work together here in this building
And they have nothing to declare
And if they’re happy they don’t ever show it
No gym club membership no weight watchers and no keep fit
Not the 2 fat lovers

Always seen together
Everyday lasts forever
Through all incumbent weather
And they look into each others eyes but not very deeply

They’re going home to bacon and eggs
They can’t buy their clothes off the pegs
And as the years pass them by they’ll get a nasty friction burn to the thigh
The 2 fat lovers…

They’re pumping porn gas
Into your room
To help you feel relaxed
Get you in the mood
They’ll use a dab of Vaseline
When they nail the money shot
Tell you not to be afraid or ashamed of the talent that you’ve got

And you’re a naughty little girl
And he’s a dirty old man
Just close your eyes and think of England the money and the tan

First impressions mean everything
In this line of work
The actors only get to play themselves for all they’re worth
There is flesh and there is mean and there a small space in-between
He says lights camera action baby you were made for the silver screen

And you’re a naughty little girl
And I’m a dirty old man
Just close your eyes and think of England the money and the tan

Louise, Louise

We talk about a wasting disease
Lazy birds flutter in the trees
Pretty flowers bare there petals to the breeze
And to the bees

Louise, Louise

Is the moon made out of concrete or cheese?
And is there any room for me to appease
My for boding, my sense of unease
Or will you bring me to my knees

Louise, Louise

Are you the miracle cure?
On the special hospital tour
Admit me today
And I will happily stay
With you forever, and ever

Play the washed up out of date guy
In a plane too big for the sky
In pain and refusing to cry
For the truth when it’s all just a lie

Louise, Louise

The trees are blue and the sky is green
And the grass is grey
And the fields are aubergine
How mad do I seem?

Do you have a bed here for me?
Will I require a Section 3?
New drugs and an OT
Just tell me how mad how mad do I have to be?
Give me the say so…and let me stay so…no letting me go …Louise

Are you for real or is this dream
Climb aboard the time machine
See you play in your netball team
And going on sweet seventeen

You can call me Vinny Peculiar but it’s not my real name
I made it up all because my real one is lame
I was born in 57 in the county of Worcestershire
I was raised a Methodist with Jesus in my ear
I went to Sunday school I said my prayers
In teenage makeup and Levi flares
I joined the boys brigade couldn’t wait to leave
I learned to flatter and deceive

I married young and I was happy, happy with my lot
Had a little baby girl I became a baby swot
Bought a house in Birmingham and joined the CND
Travelling by Midland Red to the asylum and the nursery
I went to training school to become a nurse
I saw the sex pistols and the adverts
I swore I loved you then and that I’d never leave
But I’d learned to flatter and deceive

17 years later I’m writing this song
I know now what other people have known all along
The presents and the flowers that I’m sending you today are,
Pitiful excuses from the dad who went away
I’d go to festivals I’d go abroad
I’ve still got Sleeping Gas but not Reward
In this reality I only make believe
Having learned to flatter and deceive

Waiting at the 7-11
For the word to get back from heaven
Suicide dad where did you go

You were stuck in the middle of nowhere
Just how long had you been there?
Suicide dad I need to know

They found your car in the lay by
Said your house looked like a pig sty
It was not a very beautiful ending
You said I mean it
They said he’s just pretending

Hose-pipe or analgesic
Tell your mummy I feel sick
Suicide dad where did you go

Unhappy ever after
A statistical disaster
Suicide dad where did you go?

Mind over matter heart over head
If only you’d done X, Y and Z
Still the only clue that remains to this day
Is a final demand from the CSA

Someone said they think it’s all over

It is now…Suicide dad where did you
Suicide dad we want to
Suicide dad where did you go ?

And are you ever coming back
Never coming back….

She’s hanging out with the men in dresses
Evensong and evening classes
A sweet contentment in her eyes
I’m trying hard not to act surprised

Oh yeah Jesus stole my girlfriend
Oh yeah Jesus stole my girl
Oh yeah Jesus stole my girlfriend
And I can’t get her back
And I just want her back…

She’s going off to church on Sunday
The Harvest Festival on Monday
We go to bed but we don’t make love
Cause her thoughts are lost to the one above

I know you’re up there listening
So go ahead and do the decent thing
Perform a little miracle
I must preferred her cynical, miserable, impossible, hysterical, illogical, despicable

Now all I seem to do is mope around the house
Feeling like the antichrist
She says she’s training to be missionary
Or suchlike

Oh what does he care

There’s only enough room in this kitchen
For one great artist and that is me
My paintings line the walls from floor to ceiling
And they’re laden with sardonic imagery

This one’s called the mess I made in high school
And this one’s called responsibility
I haven’t got a favourite subject matter
I only try to capture what I see

Make a photo-fit for life
Doing time with the brush and knife
For good reason that I no longer recall
Perfecting each and every fake is my genius my escape
Critical acclaim can wait you can keep it all

My work is expensive nay it’s priceless
Encapsulates the essence of the soul
I’m not afraid of dying in obscurity
Nor hooking up with Judas on parole

[Chorus]

My work has been compared to the so called greats
Pollock, Rothko, Blake and Kandinksky
I know some of you will understand
Most of you will pity me

Still there’s only enough room in this kitchen
For one great artist
Only enough room in this kitchen

For me me me me me me…

Who stole the Christmas money from your Gran?
Now it’s too late to pay it back she’s dead and gone
You were caught out pissing in the vestry sink
You were worse for wear with the drink
Now you’re jabbering on to a shrink

Forgive me

It may take a while to shame you into feeling
It’s never too late to address the true meaning
You have made a blind fit of the crime there’s no escaping
Still the wounds are bare and they’re gaping
Still the rules are there for the breaking

Forgive me

At 4 o’clock on the dot
The session ends with a tear
The shrink unwrap the tissue packs
And says get out of here

That was my first and last experience in confession
But it didn’t teach me a lesson
And it didn’t fix my depression
I called you from the station and we met and talked for hours
I bought a bunch of flowers
You said it’s not your place it’s ours

F.O.R.G.I.V.E. Forgive me….

I had an operation when I was just a lad
They removed my heart that’s why I can’t feel happy or sad
And nobody believes me, nobody understands
When I stamp my feet
I really mean to clap my hands

I had a beautiful girlfriend but love died
I felt no pain I never cried
And nobody believes me nobody wants to know

The nurses look impressive in their snow white nylon dresses as the lights go down
The Dr’s dehydrated the orderly frustrated as the tea comes round
Are you one of them or one of us do you drive a car or take the bus have you come to fix the lights or check the drugs, that kill imagination

Damn the operation…

They put me back under the knife when I was a man
To take away my mind was their plan
And nobody can tell me the exact time or the place
But I still dream of the theatre and I know that look on the surgeons face

Damn the operation…

You said anywhere will do just as long as I’m with you
Just get the tickets just book the room
We can be who we want escape where we’re from
We’ll be back so quick no one will know we’re gone
On the seat of the bus you made me go red
Then finished me off on the hotel bed
I had stars in my eyes you were older and wiser than I was

My dirty weekend
All grown up playing happy pretend
Getting caught out in the end
When I said goodbye I knew that I would never see you again

There were photographs in the drawers of a naked man called David
With a large and flaccid cock cowboy boots and an earring
A spy hole in the wall for the pervert in the hall
I played the gigolo you played the whore
And we painted the town all the usual shades
Holding hands and making promises in the light house rays
I’d put on your makeup you’d put on a show
For the boy in reception before we had to go

And when I woke in a dream like state last night it was as if I was 19 again in Scarborough
My dirty weekend
All grown up playing happy pretend
We’re all caught out in the end
When I said good bye I knew that I would never see you again

Can I get my ball back Mr Low
I lost it in your garden many years ago
Been hanging on to stuff that others have let go
So can I get my ball back?

Do I want to get my teeth into this life?
Do I want the job, the mortgage and the wife?
You used to tell me everything would be alright
So can I get my ball back…Mr Low?

The house is on fire and the children have gone
Back to the place they are from
As bury my head in a time capsule with a prize day poem from junior school

Can I get my ball back Mr Low?
It’s bright and cheap it’s all I’ve got to show
Sorry for the trouble the lengths you had to go
But can I get my ball back?

There’s no time like the past to reinvent the wheel
To change the way you are distort the way you feel
I’ve done it or so long now I’ve no idea what’s real
So can I get my ball back?

Mr Low…The Davenports man brings beer to your home
Rolfs on TV with a stylophone…
And your Dad’s having a moan

So can I get my ball back??

She was a beautiful woman in public sector management
And I imagined her naked
And vulnerable
As the meeting expired we were all so tired

All messed up in domestic bliss
With a baby a house and a job I swore I’d never miss
From that day to this

So I laid my traps in her in tray
Brushed against her on the stairs
She looked like a country singer
And I fantasised in my despair
About the beautiful woman in public sector management

I didn’t try to resist cause I hopelessly bitten
I was tragically smitten by loves clichés
But they were never enough

All wrapped up in domestic bliss in some hazy lazy life I swore I’d never miss
And I’d never look from that day to this
All those big decisions she made
Budgets set and wages paid
The health service looks good today
Good today

Sometimes all you can do is follow your heart
I know that love songs are not very smart
But if you’ve ever had a false start you’ll appreciate it can come too late

So I took my chance and I held on for all I was worth
And this one goes out to the ones that let go
And never get what they deserve

She was a beautiful woman in public sector management

He goes there every week
My father the organist he never got to see the light

Still the sermons don’t come cheap
They hang around like lazy ghosts
To haunt him in his sleep at night

He’s been 40 years the spirited observer
In the holy theatre of the absurd
Says he don’t believe a word

The congregation stands
The new disciples wave their hands
The minister begins to preach

A woman speaks in tongues
Interpreted by chosen ones
Salvation still just out of reach

40 years of counting out the blessing
Examining the fickle heart of faith
He says he’s left it all too late

My father the organist

Charms and qualms and false alarms go off in my head
Lazy days and songs of praise oh the things that we said
In safer seats there came defeats and now the object is dead
Think I’ll spend another day right here in my bed to
Calm me down
Don’t calm me down
Help me keep my feet on the ground
Toils and spoils and baby oils the wheel in good time
Manuscripts in starts and fits all fail to combine
The tender hooks the unread books we squeal with the swine
It takes one to know one but all in good time
So calm me down
Don’t calm me down
Help me keep my feet on the ground
Don’t calm me down…Do you prefer to close your eyes
When you’re taken by surprise
When the facts are all laid bare we’re neither her nor there
We’re neither here nor there
Romeo and Juliet are taking the piss
Happiness was something they were happy to miss
When it’s time to say goodbye she gives you one last kiss
But don’t you expect me to believe all of this will calm me down
Help me keep my feet on the ground
Don’t calm me down
Help me….

The chalice it was poisoned
Bitter taste left in her mouth
She’s a girl from incognito
And she’s heading way down south
In a B reg Ford Sierra
200 cigarettes
A bottle of tequila
And a head full of regrets
What are you running from where are you going to and how do you know when you get there?
He left work at the usual time and he stopped off for a drink
He stayed there until closing time but it wasn’t long enough time to think
He caught the taxi to the house and as he walked inside
He saw a note upon the mantel piece and something inside him died
What are you running from where are you going to
and how do you now when you get there?
At the motel service station she let my imagination run away with me
By cutting up the Polaroid’s she reaffirms and so avoids reality
And the writer clicks his heels he knows exactly how she feels when no one else can see
No the apples here are not all bad and some taste kind of sweet
And then a girl from out of nowhere comes a walking down your street
And it could be Pamela Anderson and it could be Norma Jean
And it could be Thelma Braithwaite from a likely lads dream
What are you running from where are you going to and how do you know when you get there

Jeremy is faith healer alternative what’ that?
A couple of shots of his magical drops at the touch of a pixie hat
And Madeline is a believer direct action express
26 nights up a tree having fights with a law that’s seeking redress
Now the law is seeking redress
And the sad eyed mules of men say when and they carry no remorse
In a couple of weeks those impossible freaks will be backing a different horse..
Now Geraldine was a technician they say she was one of the best
She used to head up transmission on the old grey whistle test
And Peter is a producer of big-name west end plays
He doesn’t know what to do with all the money he makes nowadays
And the sad eyed mules of men say when and they carry no remorse
In a couple of weeks those impossible freaks will be backing a different horse.

She’s got one shoe on and the other shoe off
Here come the waves crashing into the
And it’s not for the money and it’s not for the show
But I sure miss those routines we used to know
And from a tiny room fall the tears of a clown
I got two left feet in Beatle town
A man can lose himself
In time
When I’m with my baby my heart misses beats I hear children playing in meadows and streets
When you hide in the shadows it only gets worse
I take a hold of your hand and I finish the hurt
You knock me down with a feather
I’m out of my head
Forgive all the wicked things I ever said
A man can lose himself
In time
The gentle movement of breathing plays a trick on the light
Then it’s falling asleep and kissing goodnight
Here we go gathering memories so fast I want these moments forever to last
I tell you one more joke on the telephone line
In exactly a week from now things will be fineA man can lose himself
In time
Lose himself
In time

Someone waiting on someone else’s corner some way down the road
Someone sneaking into someone else’s bedroom and shooting their load
Some working up a sweat down the garden where the roses grow
Someone working up a pardon before letting go
Someone that I know
Someone that can’t say no
Someone shouting at someone else’s lover you make me sick
Someone talking to some else’s mother that guys a dick
Someone eating at someone else’s table my how it tastes so good
Saying grace and feeling so unworthy like they should
Someone that I know
Someone who can’t say no
Oh no it’s you again
I thought I’d made myself quite clear
Don’t you ever learn won't you ever learn the rules of engagement are clear…Someone that I know
Someone who can’t say no

It’s in the blood honey
What will be will be
It’s in the blood honey
Take it from me
We come together amen
Holy Ghost sacred cow
Time and time again
We should know better by now
A transition into darkness
See the evil eye that winks
The fatal powers of attraction to the heart
Oh how it sinks
There is no spiritual reason
And I’ve abandoned every prayer
I take one day at a time
I lose myself there
And I’ve been cursing Dr Zimmerman
For a cure that that will be final
But my memory is fading and
My hands are all a tremble
I could meet you at the Pier head
I’m too scared to leave the house
I’ve been hanging from a thread
I’ve been watching the danger mouse
Once I was walking over mountains
Through some ever open gate
I was drinking at the fountains
Now you bury me in hate
It’s in the blood honey

Said he was a shrine maker
Name in lights picture in the paper
Said he had friends worth knowing
And how I had to keep it goingI was in love at the time
Living in clover
I believed every line
Too soon it was over
So if you see him tell him tell him to give me a call
Things are different now I have learned how to fall
I could use something special to get over the wall
Said he was a shrine maker
A living legend a mover and a shaker
Like a fool I kept on believing
It was just myself I was deceiving
I was in love at the time
I was living in clover
I believed every line
But soon it was over
So if you see him tell him I’ve not given up
It was a slip of the tongue a run of bad luck
Still I need someone special to get me unstuck
If you see him tell him it’s alright for some
I’m not one to complain what’s done is done
I’m still playing the game that can never be won
Now don’t you hate your shrine maker…

Stop and think
Bide your time
Put it down
To experience
What was once
A perfect moment
Has lost all its significance
Some get left behind
Some get led astray
Some get out of hand
When it doesn’t go their way
Some profess to care
Some aspire to love
And some they just leave everything to
Jesus and the Angel up aboveYou can bite your tongue
Pinch yourself
Who cares anyway ?
It’s just another unreadable book on the shelf
Kingdom come
Thy will be done
If you really want me
Then here I am

Like a piggy in the middle
To be slaughtered come what may
Still you cannot solve the riddle
Maybe you’re better off that way
Still you told it to the doctor
There was no one else to tell
And he says he understands
But he cannot make you well
It’s a family affair
You have to repair
Don’t you
But having taken what for
There isn’t much more you can do
She won’t undo the puzzle
Was it for better or for worse?
Like a fighter in a muzzle
Like a writer out of verse
The pain goes and then the rainbows
But now it’s coming back again
And you’re somewhere in the past
You’ve just no idea when?
It’s a family affair…And she told it to your mother
And she wrote the whole thing down
In a letter to your lover
Now they spread the word around
Like a piggy in the middle
Getting slaughtered come what may
You’ll never solve the riddle
Could be you’re better of that wayHey diddle diddle
The piggy in the middle is you it’s you it’s you….

I live in a shadow box it’s got little rooms I got little room
I’ll wait till the penny drops I hope it’s soon
Maybe I’ll outgrow it like my mother always said
Maybe I’ll just wait awhile until I knock it on the head
I’m frightened to admit it loathed to accept my fate
Like a million other would bees I cannot bare the wait
I live in a shadow box and it isn’t cold why do I feel cold?
I still watch top of the pops where the freaks are sold
Maybe I’ll outgrow it like my lover always said
Maybe all these things only exist inside my head
I couldn’t live without them they’re like daggers to a wife
And if the wounds are self-inflicted that’s the story of my life
The story of my life…

The gentle life pours over me like summer rain
The flowers rot across the western borderline
The sweeper brushes past me
Once he was my friend
To sit and wait anticipate
Is this the very end?
Defeat defined by common sense
Enduring soul?
Ambition fades like memory
Where is the goal
Where searching stops and boats come
And when your numbers up
To settle down and bare and grin and wish the world good luck
The gentle life falls over me like summer rain

Angel without wings
It’s only wood and strings
Holier than though
Are you still playing now?
Solo up on high
You made the young men cry
Incredible divine
But from another time
I see your posters hanging there
The room feels bare
Take them down we’d never dare
It was not your fault
The trial comes to a halt
She’s never coming back
Delay sustain attack
You watched over us then
Sad hippy guardian
Until we lost our way
I could never really play
I see your posters hanging there
And the room feels bare
Take them down we wouldn’t dare
Guitar star
My guitar star…